this is insane.
reading back.
I feel the same as I used to back then.
And I wanted to stop feeling like that.
All bitter and sharp.
Bitter and sharp.
Like a bittermelon.
Not delicious.
At all.
No yummy.
Not good.
I am not good.
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
misconceptions
i love being in a relationship with Jesus, because whenever I find myself frustrated at something, Abba is showing an area of my heart that needs untangling.
this morning, i got upset over an argument between my dad and i about people living in the past how they did not live long because they got sick from the food they ate ... which i understand ... but the one thing that "pissed me off" was the way he said, "You don't know what you're talking about" in this tone that really jarred my heart strings.
and i was processing this with God and He revealed that I don't take criticisms well because I think they're bad.
i wanna be able to take any sort of criticism whether constructive or non-constructive. i also don't want to be immature in arguing with my dad, but it's kind of sad to know thats how he responds to me when i behave in such a way ... it's weird. but maybe that's when Christ is strongest. that when we argue, i won't fall into the devil's trap and step back and beyond from what my dad expected.
i don't know why i have to prove myself to my dad though. it's weird.
yesterday, my friend helped me get over my bitterness towards my mom. to remember that my mom was a woman before she married my dad and that God has given her a second chance with my family. just as i want to love my mom as how God loves her, i too want to love my dad as how God loves him.
i still think my anger is unrighteous when i peeve at the fact how my dad says the Bible isn't truth ...
-_- but i don't want to take it that way, i'd rather have compassion on him for not believing. why do i assume that he should understand what i'm talking about, or what i'm trying to get at? he's imperfect, he's fallible, he's a man. hahaha. so weird to talk about parents as adults or peers. but i don't wanna see how the world sees peers. i wanna see them as how God wants me to see them ... as His Children. :D
man, i'm glad that i'm in a relationship with Jesus, because healing the relationship with my parents would not be possible without God.
this morning, i got upset over an argument between my dad and i about people living in the past how they did not live long because they got sick from the food they ate ... which i understand ... but the one thing that "pissed me off" was the way he said, "You don't know what you're talking about" in this tone that really jarred my heart strings.
and i was processing this with God and He revealed that I don't take criticisms well because I think they're bad.
i wanna be able to take any sort of criticism whether constructive or non-constructive. i also don't want to be immature in arguing with my dad, but it's kind of sad to know thats how he responds to me when i behave in such a way ... it's weird. but maybe that's when Christ is strongest. that when we argue, i won't fall into the devil's trap and step back and beyond from what my dad expected.
i don't know why i have to prove myself to my dad though. it's weird.
yesterday, my friend helped me get over my bitterness towards my mom. to remember that my mom was a woman before she married my dad and that God has given her a second chance with my family. just as i want to love my mom as how God loves her, i too want to love my dad as how God loves him.
i still think my anger is unrighteous when i peeve at the fact how my dad says the Bible isn't truth ...
-_- but i don't want to take it that way, i'd rather have compassion on him for not believing. why do i assume that he should understand what i'm talking about, or what i'm trying to get at? he's imperfect, he's fallible, he's a man. hahaha. so weird to talk about parents as adults or peers. but i don't wanna see how the world sees peers. i wanna see them as how God wants me to see them ... as His Children. :D
man, i'm glad that i'm in a relationship with Jesus, because healing the relationship with my parents would not be possible without God.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
identity
the concept of identity is something i don't understand. what does it mean?
identity's definition: the fact of being who or what a person or thing is
i thought that a person can have only one identity ... but i think that was a misconception on my end. i don't like having a lot of faulty understandings, but it seems like i have many .. haha.
but yeaaaa, in my asian american studies class, my professor was talking about understanding his identity as a bi-racial american.
for me, i thought being a Kingdom Child was my only identity, but maybe God wants me to know what it's like to be a Japanese Korean American ... IDK. but as the Professor was talking about the issues of growing up without having a solid identity/confidence in his identity it touched a few of my heart strings.
recently, "to be" has been what my mind and heart draws to. what's it like to simply be?
psalms 46:10
Be still and know that I am God.
Being still is something I have a hard time doing. What does that mean? What does that look like? I've reentered a baby stage. I've reentered the basics.
I guess this season can be the season of finding myself. Finding or exploring who God created me to be. Sometimes, I look back at my past, my childhood and I yearn to be free in expressing myself without being so self-conscious. Haha, but then that's on me, cause that means i'm focusing too much on myself... no? that's funny... and a bit liberating to know that the cause of my own worries and anxieties is myself.
Abba, can you help me to stop thinking so much about myself and help me to BE. be who you've created me to be.
Monday, December 1, 2014
flabbergasting
once again, i have read through my entire blogspot and each time i find something new and different. i do start a lot of my sentences with "i" but i dont think i mind as much now ... that personal dislike seems to reveal an inner turmoil...
i like how these past entries reveal who i used to be in the past and how much i've changed ... few things highlighted to me about my past are the constant daily internal struggles and the feelings i had towards my mother. wow, i used to harbor such bitter feelings towards her... i'm glad i don't react in such a way anymore.
it seems ever since Jesus enticed me into an intimate relationship with Him, He's been gradually (and in His Perfect timing) healing my wounds and untangling the deceptions that lead me to react negatively towards my mother.
i hope one day to be free from self-condemnation and overly self-conscious thoughts about my own expressions. Abba, I want to be free in expressing myself in words...
i still struggle with desires, i still struggle with being in the moment and the present. i am currently in the progress of seeking my identity in Christ, who I am as God created me to be...
it's strange, how i find my past entries to carry so much flavor .. in contrast to how i write now - so bland and boring!! gah ... maybe me writing like this is a conformation to society, i've somewhat digressed from creative writing? or idk? so much to explore in writing and expressing .. hehe... well, i am only 22 and barely getting the hang of diving into depths of perceptions and conceptions. I LIKE SIMPLE.
simple is key! even Jesus is simple. simplicity is quite freeing
versus ... complexions that often confuse.
and even now, i still have a hard time understanding the difference or spectrum of simplicity and complexity in life - simplexity hahaha.
i want to make it a natural habit to step back and look at the bigger picture, because i often get caught oop in the details, my face so close to the screen, my eyes getting strained from looking at something so close...
there's a lot of things i want to change about myself ... and idk if that's how God wants me to change ... or why am i so dissatisfied with myself? or maybe these are convictions from God that i am taking too personally. i realized i have a tendency to personalize convictions and turn them into condemnations, or maybe its not me but Satan.
one thing that really surprised me from my past entries are the things i knew about God and Jesus and the things i felt for Him. i knew His Love yet it wasn't enough to captivate me to turn from my life and follow after Jesus... so interesting, it kind of shows how God is Sovereign and He's the one in control. i am powerless. my will is powerless compared to His. in fact, my will is resistant towards His. i want to do things in a certain way and when i am picky about having it done my way and it doesn't go my way, i find myself becoming quite upset and throw a tantrum - like a baby.
i am but a babe in God's eyes.
i am but a vapor in life.
i am quite sleepy hahaha. i think i might be getting sick and i hope i don't get sick because getting sick is not the bizznesss. it is week 9 of Fall Quarter 2014 ... FINALS are fast approaching. my final oral exam for Japanese Adv Speaking is on Friday at 11:10AM. EEK. Papa, please help me not get overwhelmed and take things one by one.
today was an interesting day. i quit my babysitting job yesterday and i lightly thought about my intentions for picking up the job and i don't think my heart was in the right place, because i think i did it for the money. but today, my neighbor asks me to take care of her baby dawg ... i found that so interesting ... God is funny. btw, i have another job of working on campus.
i have a minute and thirty seconds before i need to get off my computer ... so ill just ramble about my life
Suni is now 8 years old turning 9. Hideo is 27 and living in Louisiannaaa. I am in my fifth year at UCLA, going to graduate next quarter. WOW time flies so quickly. In some of my posts, Hideo was my age. SO AMAZING. I'm glad i didnt delete this blog. hahaha.
i have a lot of desires in my ear but now i have 18 seconds so idk what to write.
but
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
GOODBYEEE
i like how these past entries reveal who i used to be in the past and how much i've changed ... few things highlighted to me about my past are the constant daily internal struggles and the feelings i had towards my mother. wow, i used to harbor such bitter feelings towards her... i'm glad i don't react in such a way anymore.
it seems ever since Jesus enticed me into an intimate relationship with Him, He's been gradually (and in His Perfect timing) healing my wounds and untangling the deceptions that lead me to react negatively towards my mother.
i hope one day to be free from self-condemnation and overly self-conscious thoughts about my own expressions. Abba, I want to be free in expressing myself in words...
i still struggle with desires, i still struggle with being in the moment and the present. i am currently in the progress of seeking my identity in Christ, who I am as God created me to be...
it's strange, how i find my past entries to carry so much flavor .. in contrast to how i write now - so bland and boring!! gah ... maybe me writing like this is a conformation to society, i've somewhat digressed from creative writing? or idk? so much to explore in writing and expressing .. hehe... well, i am only 22 and barely getting the hang of diving into depths of perceptions and conceptions. I LIKE SIMPLE.
simple is key! even Jesus is simple. simplicity is quite freeing
versus ... complexions that often confuse.
and even now, i still have a hard time understanding the difference or spectrum of simplicity and complexity in life - simplexity hahaha.
i want to make it a natural habit to step back and look at the bigger picture, because i often get caught oop in the details, my face so close to the screen, my eyes getting strained from looking at something so close...
there's a lot of things i want to change about myself ... and idk if that's how God wants me to change ... or why am i so dissatisfied with myself? or maybe these are convictions from God that i am taking too personally. i realized i have a tendency to personalize convictions and turn them into condemnations, or maybe its not me but Satan.
one thing that really surprised me from my past entries are the things i knew about God and Jesus and the things i felt for Him. i knew His Love yet it wasn't enough to captivate me to turn from my life and follow after Jesus... so interesting, it kind of shows how God is Sovereign and He's the one in control. i am powerless. my will is powerless compared to His. in fact, my will is resistant towards His. i want to do things in a certain way and when i am picky about having it done my way and it doesn't go my way, i find myself becoming quite upset and throw a tantrum - like a baby.
i am but a babe in God's eyes.
i am but a vapor in life.
i am quite sleepy hahaha. i think i might be getting sick and i hope i don't get sick because getting sick is not the bizznesss. it is week 9 of Fall Quarter 2014 ... FINALS are fast approaching. my final oral exam for Japanese Adv Speaking is on Friday at 11:10AM. EEK. Papa, please help me not get overwhelmed and take things one by one.
today was an interesting day. i quit my babysitting job yesterday and i lightly thought about my intentions for picking up the job and i don't think my heart was in the right place, because i think i did it for the money. but today, my neighbor asks me to take care of her baby dawg ... i found that so interesting ... God is funny. btw, i have another job of working on campus.
i have a minute and thirty seconds before i need to get off my computer ... so ill just ramble about my life
Suni is now 8 years old turning 9. Hideo is 27 and living in Louisiannaaa. I am in my fifth year at UCLA, going to graduate next quarter. WOW time flies so quickly. In some of my posts, Hideo was my age. SO AMAZING. I'm glad i didnt delete this blog. hahaha.
i have a lot of desires in my ear but now i have 18 seconds so idk what to write.
but
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
GOODBYEEE
Friday, July 18, 2014
A New Direction for This Blogger
For the past month, there has been an acceleration of some kind of preparation. For the first time in my relationship with Jesus, I never felt such desperation and hunger for the Lord.
Yesterday, I heard Joy Dawson speak about the urgency for revival as the utmost prayer priority!
Led by the Spirit, she elaborated on our need for revival. She spoke with such divine fire that I was blasted back to the age of revival and reformation in America.
At 88 years old, she spoke with the energy of a 20 year old.
God continues to amaze me in so many ways.
Not only through Joy's child-like soul and spirit, but through the redefinition of revival.
Genuine Revival IS when God does an awesome thing that we did not expect! Isaiah 64:3
SOMETHING AWESOME THAT WAS UNEXPECTED!!
When I think of all moments God did something great and unexpected, my heart immediately desires to worship the Lord for His Great Goodness and Faithfulness.
More increasingly (and importantly), the Lord is convicting His children of the revival that is to come in Southern California that will rock the socks off this nation called America.
And through Joy, He has clearly convicted and compelled me to pray with fiery fervency for a revival that includes HIS FULL PRESENCE with wind, fire, and rain!!
Boy, I can't wait until I see this happen before my very eyes.
I am greatly hoping the LORD that it will happen before Joy goes to sleep!
This coincides with work of the Spirit, who draws me deeper into the Word.
Tonight, I have once again surrendered my heart to Jesus, casting out all unnecessary thoughts, and made an oath to seek Him wholeheartedly through the Word.
I have neglected His call too long and He has made it so very clear in the distress that consumeth meh.
There's a desire in my heart, a fire that seeks to Glorify God in His Great and Glorious Good.
So I hope to stay consistent in conjoining my commitment to the Word to this blogguh!
:)
I started the Discipleship Journal Plan yesterday and God spoke!
Truly, His Word is alive, living, transformative, and powerful! Heb 4:12
From Luke 10:38-42, the Spirit revealed my heart to me. I was so worried about my spiritual hunger and about my family that I could not pay attention to the Lord. I was Martha when I needed to be Mary who was eagerly hungry for the Lord, His Word, and Presence. Immediately after reading the Word, God pulls me from the pit I was suffering in.
Here's a prayer I wrote in my journal:
Holy Spirit, Thank You for leading me to fixate my eyes on You ... Please allow me to take refuge in You, don't hand me over. LORD, forgive me ... I await the day when I will sin no longer. LORD, forgive me for not doing as much as I can at work. Please help me to see Your glory. Please bring Rommel into an awesome fellowship with You. Jesus, HELP! I don't want to be worried about things unimportant. LORD, help me to listen to You! To sit at Your feet, in Your Presence :(
From 1 Thess 4:11-18, the LORD gave me encouragement about my work, how He will shine His light through me when I follow through with making it my ambition to lead a quiet lift, minding my own business, working with my hands. I have three coworkers who are all male. I'm not one to be proactive with work unless if I am in a good mood ... it's a horrible mindset that I'm desperate to change. I also wanted my coworkers to come into fellowship with Jesus, an intimate one that will provide them with much joy. But the Spirit reminded me to depend on the Lord's Will and not mine. I am hoping to trust more in Him regarding my work.
Journal Prayer: Spirit, Please help me understand what a quiet life means, living peaceably with others. What is a quiet life? Spirit, Please help me believe! Help me to live an orderly life. A quiet life - calm life. A life with no crazy ups and downs. To quiet, calm, and still my soul. A quiet adventure. Spirit, Please do Your way with me to live a quiet life.
LORD, Spirit, Please show me if/when I'm not minding my own business.
LORD, Truly You are breathing Your teaching into me. To mind my own business. Also, to work with my hands! LORD, help me to do this so that I won't bring shame to Your name!
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