a

a tad bit weird to realize that i always start my blogs with "i". weell, i'll start to change that really soon. anyways, its october .. which means its COLLEGE TIME. god, its so hectic, filling out applications. you need your parents' info and errthang. it gets annoying too. for every single college its the same information over and over again. and i dont like calculus. there's some things about it that i cant seem to get. like limits. shoot me in the head with limits. gosh. anyways, this thing is looking dreary so i'll add some pics ... later

toodles

viral

i am sick and i've been sick since wednesday/thursday. i am trying to get over it so that i can be healthy again and run. and i didn't go to school on friday so i couldnt get my APCALC book so that i could start working on my stupid hw thats due on friday with a whole bunch of problems. eff my life. sigh. i give up for now.

toodles

thud

i am going to aim for UPENN. i didn't even know that school was an Ivy League, but hell it is! the reason i'm aiming for there is cause they have school of nursing AND school of veterinary medicine all in one place. i mean, what other calling is there for me? but it's so hard to get into, but i shall and will set my mind to it. and supposedly if your family income is under a certain amount then you get free tuition!!!! ahhhhh!!! i hope my mom is making less than anything! and i hope my dad's business doesn't start until i start school. gah! but anyways, today was a good day in general. went to school, took ID pictures (of which i got two; a normal and a funny), finished school, went to chipotle, and then went to the aunt's house, played with Miles, talked, and went home. all in all a satisfactory day. yay. i'm looking forward to until school starts to get hard. NOT. anyways, i gotta rest, i can feel myself getting tired everyday.

toodles.

ready

okay, now i'm in the mood to be writing in this. its weird how running can bring so much peace to me and i wanna write about it in my college essay but it's so cliche .. but anyways, i'll think of a serene lake and write my thoughts.

elaborating on my previous post, i have really been in a good mood. i love my off-rag days where i'm not bitchy, moody, or anything of the sort. and i've been just listening to some instrumentals that bring my mind to peace. and i gotta say, i disappointed myself again this past weekend. i really do wanna stop doing "hoppa" its bad for you. buuuuut some things happened that sprung up old feelings and its like fuck. it's been four years why'd you have to come up now. and now, i'm looking forward to the halloween party thats going to come up. and these old feelings bring imagination with them. i have no idea what i am going to do with myself. and i've been telling myself to sit down at the table and work on my homework before going on the computer. and i like it. studying for the SATs and studying for my homework. makes me feel accomplished, but the days come in where my ADD kicks in and i can't concentrate on that shit at all. that's why going to the library is so good cause it's so quiet and it has a good atmosphere. i wanted to go today, but we had to pick up my brother from dtwn. fail. but hopefully i'll be working on my college apps tomorrow at my aunt's house and i'll work on my homework heh. i also gotta bring my list of colleges to mr. furlong tomorrow. sheoot. anyways, i gotta shower and go to sleep. so,


TOODLES.

myujeek

lately, my mood's been on good terms and i like it. i love how i'm doing my homework first and all. and today, i've been put on blast like a couple hundred times. haha. mr. waddell found out i have ADD and its true because i was playing with a couple of things a lot of times in his class. and i dont have any motivation to write in this right now. and im waiting for my food in my stomach to settle so that i can go running of which i am going to go soon. like at ten ish.

man i can be such a bitch sometimes. i think my head just expanded a little too much at the beginning of senior year. i realized that i need to pay attention to my friends more. and i am REALLY sorry for not being more of a friend. you know who you are. today was full of a lot of stuff. i had to do a lot of homework last night, and i was sleeping at 3 a.m. for the past few days. i have a feeling that imma crash soon if i don't get sufficient enough sleep. there were a couple quizzes today, and then CEDARS orientation, then jang tuh.

i really hate it when i'm a bitch cause that's just not who i am. but i realize that i haven't been as jolly as i used to be in my past years at high school. i don't find myself smiling or laughing as much as i used to. this summer was such a blessing and a curse. agh, but i'm trying. i really am sorry though that i was just ignoring and that i've been getting distant. i'll remember my status and try to return to who i used to be.

and making such early promises just end up being empty promises. i gotta take in the consequences of making such early promises in my life cause there are way too many temptations in my life and surround me. i am so tired. my eyes are closed as i am typing this. i will go to sleep. gnite.

toodles.

okay so, here’s my deal or mostly everyone’s deal. ever since the economic recession, my family’s financial situation has gone down the drain. my mom has to work so many hours and so hard just to get our family through the expenses. and honestly most of her paycheck goes to our expenses and she doesn’t have any left over for herself to buy herself a nice handbag or a nice dress. i mean, i don’t mind not getting money, but it’s her i worry about. she’s fifty years old and she’s been working hard her whole life. and she used up all her savings to pay for all our shit. and it ticks me off because of the way i treat her and because of the way my brother and father treat her. i mean thank God for letting Him bring her under His arms, because i think without His strength she wouldn’t have been able to pull through. and one thing that gets to me is how highschool kids are wasting money like it’s nothing. for me i’d have to scrounge on a $20 bill for two weeks and i usually go by without minding if i don’t have money. but i have friends who expect me to do things with them when i don’t have jackshit to spend with them and i absolutely HATE borrowing my friends’ money. it’s embarrassing first of all, and second it’s a pain to pay that shit back. i guess you can say i am jealous of those kids but you know, i can’t help it because they have this financial abundance and i don’t. and i don’t get the luxury of going to chipotle everyday after school or going shopping with my friends. i can barely even buy a bus pass. shit. anyways, i am going to stop self-pitying myself and suck it up and deal with it. i mean, i’ve been handling it for nine years, i can handle a couple more years of this financial problem. you know what they say, no pain no gain. and now i’m thinking of changing my career path into becoming a nurse practitioner. ill do a double major or something. now i am going to apply to UCLA. well, gotta start contemplating about my future and what to do. fun.

i. am. so. worried. shit man, i wonder if i would need two jobs. this totally sucks. i really hate this economic crisis and all the expenses in the world and how the world is always wanting money and how the industries are so shitdamned corrupted. i really wish that our family would get back into the financial abundance that we USED to have for like couple of years. i worry for my mom especially since she's so frail and she's working so hard. i really need to pray. my whole family, the whole world needs strength right now. this cold harsh world is just a tad bit scary to live in right now. like if my mom gets sick or dies (which she wont) my family would get into big shit. like i'd probably get sent to another family, hideo would be forced to get a job, when he should be having a job already. and i especially do NOT want to move into some shitty ktwn apartment. i don't like ktwn at all. i'll always be reppin 310 westside palms area. and i need to start applying to scholarships and colleges. so much stress for now. only til december will i need to put up with this stressful stuff. man, now i gotta go and study for SATs and apply to scholarships.

on the brightside, i went to the library for 3 hrs today and took a practice SAT test from the backside of the book. imma correct it tomorrow and work on that shit. i don't even think i can even think of going out anymore. i don't have that luxury of going out for a while. anyways, i am goign to start looking at scholarships. toodles.

its way too early for me to be promising things

i wish this allowed me to send more than 160 spaces!!!

ashamed

before, it was something to be proud and boastful about, but now it's something to be ashamed to do. i did something that i shouldn't have done, and i really need more resistance in doing stuff like that. i need strength from Him and from friends to help me to stop doing crap like that. ugh. i hate my personality. i hate being hypocritical. i need to stop, i really need to get away from this corrupted world.

2 0 1 0

tomorrow is the big day and i am very uber excited. i mean come on, senior year. this is the LAST year. it only makes me realize of all the memories ive had in the past and all the new things that are coming up. agh. so scary.

i have no idea, if i have a case of depression or not. i barely realized this when i was hanging out with family a couple days ago. i mean i don't think i have depression. and i know you're supposed to respect yourself first before you respect God but i don't even know if my mentality is respecting itself right now. and i wasn't hungry at all today. i only ate because i WANTED to eat it not because my body was telling me to eat it. i don't have any idea what is wrong with me. i just hope i never backslide away from God. it's kinda crazy. i think the song gravity by bareilles is just making me feel like this. i feel like my mind is torn into two. like when i was at camp, i loved how i was isolated from this corrupted world and it was just me, God, and other people that were finding God. it takes us 21 days to get into a new habit, so hopefully, i'll pray and write daily things for 21 days and it'll turn into a daily habit. i want to go away to an isolated island and live there by myself for a couple weeks. i feel as if my mind is a stretched rubber band right now and anything drastic can pop it and only the grace of God is keeping me together. man this summer was a total blessing and curse.


i love God. i love Him so so so so so so so much.

dear whoever it refers to

what i've learned from past experiences, my generation, our generation is suffering soo much. everyone has some kind of deep dark secret. and people say things to hurt us and somtimes us teenagers take it as a bullet wound and think upon it forever and forever. but you know, we shoud just take those words and turn them into somethig that would make us stronger yanno? and i know i'm being a hypocrite about this but its the truth. and it hurts for me to watch kids my age/younger to go through some type of struggling because of it. shiet.

i've fallen in love with a nonexistent man. i love imagination.

us against the world

i hate self-pity. self-pity is the reason for these scars, it can FUCK you up so bad. sorry God! i just had to cuss. humans really need interaction to stay sane. man, songs can really change your emotions and get you thinking. and its SO sad how kids around my age are hanging around people that brings them down soooo far down. really honestly, this makes me want to change them and bring them to Him cause that's who they need in this life. little wangsters hanging out at drug dealer's places and rotting to death isn't the way to go. their personalities change so much. ugh.

kcuf

don't know if im pmsing but this shit is hard to keep up with. what is up with my mentality.