if only if only if only

if only i could find out who the fuck did that shit to my brother, if only i could know his name, if only i could know his phone number, if only i could know his address. there are multiple MULTIPLE things i would like to do to you. first, i'd like to slap you on the face a million times, and not some fucking bitch slap. a slap. one that makes you fly across the world. second, i'd like to kick you in the balls where you won't be able to make babies anymore. third, id like to pull out your eyes just for LOOKING my family. fourth, i'd like to break all of your fingers just for TOUCHING my brother. fifth, i'd like to break your legs for walking towards my brother. sixth, i'd like to rip your mouth off your face for SPEAKING to my brother.













IM SO FUCKING PISSED. I WANT TO KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOHOHO

i feel the holiday cheer. its ringing in my ears and blows out my mind. blah. LOL. anyways. WINTER BREAK
























WINTER BREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
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i want to live in japan for a while. in the land of four seasons. i miss it lots.

stuck

im stuck in the past. you know what they say, you can't forget your first love. like i like all these other guys but my thoughts come back to you and it comes back to thinking what we could've been if i didn't say those words to you back in 7th grade. okay seventh grade whatever long time ago. but its been egging at me for so long. and it boooothers me that it bothers me! i mean what the fuck. i try not to let it bother me i really honestly do. but i cant help it. ive been stuck in this position since like a long ass time. i don't even know if you hate me for doing that to you. i have no idea what the hell you feel. i wish i could say this all to you and i hate how i only talk to you when im not sober. i wish i could say hello to you so simply but this fear of being talked down just scares the shit out of me to say hello. and i wish we could sit down and have a deep heart to heart conversation and have silly moments just like how silly you are. i dont care how corny i sound because i rarely sound this genuinely corny. i wish i could text with you, i wish we could go places together, i wish i could break my promise just to be with you. man fuck my fucking heart.


ill think about this later.
fml.
sledoot.

amazing

i know it sounds like bullshit when people say "it's amazing what love can do" but i've seen a miracle happen before my eyes because of love. it really is amazing how far people go for love and what kind of hardships they have to endure because of love.

i've been sick for two days from food poisoning and that shit is the worst. throwing up three times in the first day and feeling true Hunger in the second. i dont understand how people can be bulimic because that shit is crazy. having my body involuntarily retch is one of the top things i don't ever want to encounter. and this was the first time i've felt true Hunger. it gnawed at my mind and made me double over in pain, but i couldnt eat because i was scared of throwing up. it also gave me one of the worst headaches ever. it made me realize that kids in Africa and all the third-world countries went through this 24/7. it was weird but i also thought about 1984. and i feel so helpless but i read through half of Brisingr and my internet barely came on today. i felt so relieved. and now i have to wait for the stupid test tmrw. i really dont wanna go to school tomorrow.

i was thinking, and i have so much shit to catch up on. especially college apps and scholarship apps. and i gotta go to work tomorrow too fml. sigh i cant express this shit in words. ill write later. g'bye

sledoot.

hitoride

in this struggle of life, i really feel alone. sure there are people i can lean on, but with my personality i just choose not to lean on them. it doesn't bother me either, i kind of like being alone. it kind of gives me serenity. again, i'm NOT trying to gain some kind of sympathy, just trying to organize my thoughts. like i feel like noone can understand the kind of pain that i go through or the kind of struggles i go through and i'm the only person that can help myself get better. i guess people just have different types of struggles that have different effects on them. and i really miss playing the piano, feeling my fingers press the keys and how you can control the music. it really was a way to express my feelings and i guess i didn't realize until now. it sucks how money really controls everything. no matter how much i wanna say fuck that shit, it's so important. that really irritates me. ach.

on a brighter note, there are things stressful and stressfree that are coming up. i have to work on my freaking nursing school essays, and i gotta work on my commonapp essays. UPENN and NYU are due Jan 1st of which i'm planning to finish before christmas or after christmas. definately before new years. jan 15th is UCLA and UCI nursing school and USF as well as OSU on Feb 1st. Thank goodness I have time for that but that one is the easiest. FML. lol. AND on the stress-free hand, there is the rose float decorating for KIWIN's on Dec 19. an event i'm looking very forward to and this saturday is hangout with the pokemon crew and maybe hopefully with jeany, jenny, and steph. hehe. and then the secret santa exchange. im super eggcited for that cause i wanna make pretty cards for all the streets. i'm kinda excited for this years christmas and i'm looking very forward to next year cause thats the year where i'm going to get acceptance letters from colleges and probably go travel somewhere with my friends. how excited am i!!!!

oh shoot, i still have to finish gabi's shoes and i want to start making the friendship bracelets again. i still have so much string leftover from 8th grade haha. good ol' days.



i really really really really really really really really love christina aguilera. she's been my all time favorite singer since elementary school and she never stops amazing me with her voice. soooo strong and she's been through so much. i love her. listen to it. makes me nostalgic of the older days ..

anyways, this was a sort of long blog and so i shall end it with a goodnight and a sledoot!

sledoot

furresh

took an hour walk in the chilly air to organize my thoughts or destress myself. it felt real good. the area that i walked in was really nice too, cheviot hills? nice ass houses. but anyways, i'm feeling better and thinking i can pull through. i really really wanna go clubbing and sober dancing. i miss dancing. sheeoot. but anyways, i like this video.



makes me wanna move them hips. hehe
sledoot.

take me away

im sick and tired. tired of everything. i just cant sort anything out right now. all this stress and my confused feelings just make me sick and tired of everything. its so hard to face tomorrow one more time. i dont know if i can come through with everything. i wish there was just something motivating me to go through this stupid ass janky senior year. and i dont wanna do happa ever again cause that shit is just the devil. plain devil. i am going to try to stay away from it with my best.

sledoot

quiero a volar fuera

i want to get away from this place. i don't wanna be involved in Los Angeles anymore. i mean, i would love to get into UCLA's nursing school and all but its just .. Los Angeles ? really? i mean i could always come back in the summer for the beaches, its not like i go to the beach in the winter anyways. fuck. im hoping to go to NYU or hopefully maybe UPENN. and i totally didn't know that Georgetown had to take 3 subject tests. fml to the max. so thats one more off my college list. i really want to go somewhere else. somewhere else that has snow, more diversity, more mixing of cultures. i don't wanna be stuck here in the cliche groups. so i'm hoping to go to NYU and get some big fundings from their financial aids. cause NYU's shit is expensive 60,000$ a year? gotta be kidding me. but yea, recently i think i MIGHT'VE gotten interested but its just soooo harddd. i mean i guess it would be taking it too fast but gosh darn. GOSH DARN. i was almost intent on giving up but ill just calm down and keep a little hope flame in my heart. i really don't want to be alone this christmas or next. i want someone to cuddle with, have a little bit of PDA with, yanno. i don't wanna be the fifth-wheel no more!!! some kind of senior year this is. i'll write later.


sledoot