spiritual walk

i am officially quitting smoking weed and drinking and talking shit about people. SO, if you're gonna talk shit about people, don't expect me to talk shit about them with you, cause judging people is SO wrong especially if i don't know them personally. God has shown me that people can get so close in his embrace. right now, i would die for Jesus Christ and he is my number one in my life right now and i would risk EVERYTHING to do anything for him, if that would mean losing my friends/life/blah blah. i just came back from a retreat and man, i was so very blessed the whole time i was there. not only did i receive his presence but he spoke to me and gave my visions and told me things. it's so fucking crazy. you can't imagine God's presence in this world. It's impossible. I can't describe it in words and i am on a forever spiritual high right now so i am probably not making sense so i shall write later. bye.

shambles.














wait a second. august 20th? i don't even remember what happened. shoot. i have this tendency to shove things i don't want to remember way back in my mind. freak. ugh this is seriously bothering me. wthell happened!?

listen to yourself talk and ask yourself if you're being humble. listen to yourself and then think about how it makes ME feel when you say that. you've known me long enough. do you think i'd smile and laugh whenever you tell me that? i don't like feeling this competitive feeling or jealousy. it makes me want to punch you. sure okay, you just want to share the joyous feeling of yours but it's just making me feel pissed off. knowing your personality, i don't know if you're trying to rub it in my face or if you're being genuine. but i hope you're being genuine cause if you're being a brat and rubbing it in my face, i'm not going to give you the answer that you're looking for. so here's a big FUCK YOU I DON'T GIVE A SHIT to you. oh yea, and looking at both of our situations, you should've been humble and thought about my brother and been oh, i don't deserve this. MY BROTHER IS FUCKING 22. and you get that shit for free. sometimes, i do NOT understand how you can be so fucking selfish. but then again, i don't blame you since you don't know about my family situation
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anyways, other than that, i took a long ass walk today to try to clear my mind about my family. i'm not sure whether to pity my father, love my father, or clear connections from my father. it's hard, i mean i've been living with him for 16 years and there are a lot of good memories with my father. i think it would be better for us to separate, but i can't help stop thinking about the after moments of what would happen if my dad were to live alone. i can so imagine him going crazy and committing suicide. its kinda scary ... especially how he doesn't have a stable/no income. how would he be able to support his business? from the money from selling the unit? i mean $250k isn't gonna last him forever. my mom makes a lot of money, and yet it's not sufficient to pay for everything ... that's hard. ugh, whatever. i'mma be optimistic ... hopefully. this family shit will soon drive me crazy ..

i don't like this tension in the air.

things don't make fucking sense

i have no idea what my life is holding for me in the future. and all i want is some peace in this fucking troublesome life. i am surprised i made this far, and i hope to make it farther. nine years i have been going through with this shit and whatever he is doing isn't helping my mother and i think his business is honestly driving him crazy. the business has been driving my family crazy. it drove my mom crazy, it drove my brother crazy, and now it's driving my dad crazy. calling the fucking police over something so trivial is NOT going to help with anything, and accusing my mom of having a restraining order and making the police come all fast with sirens makes me fucking embarrassed. i want to go away from all of this, i do NOT understand what i have done wrong in order for me to receive these kind of problems. honestly. and knowing myself, i'll probably put this in the back of my mind and smile for tomorrow and live on without caring about what just happened. what he said, "with our financial problems, right now you can only go to either SMC or UCLA" WHAT THE FUCK. my fucking teenage mind doesn't have the capability to understand and know how to come through in this problem. and i don't want to depend on my mom. i really honestly, want to run away from here. or get away from this kind of environment. its. not. good. for. me. for me, i'll either crumble and fall, or i'll become more determined and get stronger and defeat this kind of obstacle. but who fucking knows.

what happened to the good life. what happened to my family. the fucking business is what happened. my dad's patent is what happened. my dad quitting his job and putting all his luck into this shit is what happened. when my dad was working for ricoh and mita, he was making triple digits and my mom was making good money. that was the time when we used to shop at century city. that was the time when we had sunday dinners in front of the TV. that was the time when i didn't have to worry about my future or about my family's financial problems. that was the time before the whole family was broke. i wish i could scream. i wish i could fall and just end it. like those dreams. i always dream of falling and closing my eyes preparing for the impact but for me, i wake up right before i fall. you know, in dreams like that, when you hit the floor that means you died and won't wake up. maybe i should give up. but i don't want to. i don't want to live a life like my dad's and i don't want to live a life like my moms and especially not my brothers. i want to live a happy life. a happy life that is successful without any problems. i want my family to be happy again. i want my mom to be happy again. and i want my brother to be on the right path again. how long is this going to fucking take. it already took nine years. nine years of turmoil within the family. its hard. it is hard to be proud of who you are and its hard to want to be proud of what you are. but right now, i want to and don't want to have any relations with him. i don't understand why he has money stuck on his mind. and at the moment, i dont want to think about this stuff but i cant help but think about it cause then what am i supposed to do in the future.

its not like i haven't been suicidal. yea. i have. but i don't tell people. yea i know, for the people that have met me, yea, that scar on my arm? that's not a branch scratch. and those tiny scars on my left arm, thank god they're almost gone. don't get me wrong, sometimes i'm totally thankful of my life and thats what 85% of my life is but that 15% is just fucking bullshit. i am just loving and hating my life at this moment. i don't want to have to deal with this but i have to continue on with my life just to make sure that i won't deal with this kind of shit in the future. you know what i'll try to do with allll my heart? i am going to make sure that i at least get some kind of scholarship and TRY with alllll my heart to get that 2100. and if i get into the college that i want, i'll work my ass off to pay through college. for all you friends, this is why i can't go out when you guys go out to meat houses, or chipotle, or yogurtland, or wherever. i don't want to be asking my mom for money all the fuckign time. i hate being dependent on her. she already has to pay all the fucking bills and everything. i don't have money to buy shit that i want. so this is why i am cheap, this is why i seem happy, and this is why i always smile. i know i said that my teenage mind doesn't understand how to overcome this, but i think that's a lie. cause i do know, and i will do it. i always do.


p.s. i'm not trying to make you pity me. i just needed to rant. and i write too slow to say everything thats on my mind. i don't want anyone's pity. and i needed to organize my thoughts.

august tidings

it is august first today. a day that means that there is only one more month of school left and that there are many things to do this month. last night, i stayed up till four thirty memorizing vocab words and trying to console my cousin and think of something to write. and before i knew it, it was already "early" in the morning. i don't want to make this blog sound jiralful, so i am going to speak from my heart as much as possible without any bullshit.

first off, i'd like to mention that i want lauramijunglee's name as a tat somewhere on my body. preferably in hanja or maybe her initials or something. i realized, that she does SO many things that makes me want to kill her, but in the end it all comes down to me realizing that i still love her and that she is the closest person to me. i know how to get her irritated and she knows how to get me irritated and yet, we've had the most closest moments ever. and i feel like, i need this constant reminder to say that i love her with all my heart. even if i want to choke her sometimes.

secondly, i am on my rag and that is probably why i am being in the mood to write in my blog. i hate it when i'm on my rag cause i end up craving shit, gaining a whole shit load of pounds, popping endless amount of pimples, become bloated, and write useless things that don't make sense after i read them. its quite funny. another thing that pestered my mind about writing on the blog was that i always seem to write them at night. where all my thoughts are gathered up in this skull of mine. it still amazes me how the brain works. all those neurons still doesn't explain why we have a conscious. these are the moments where i think God comes into play. Electrolytes simply relaying information doesn't sum up a human's mind to me. who gave us the right to think like this? isn't it strange? i don't know. i'll figure it out when my brain grows larger along with my head and along with my thoughts. another thing that's funny, is how i love reading other people's blogs. it helps me know what to write in mine, or it helps to let me think of what i am going to type in mine. i am not making sense. but, in the future, i'll try to learn how to do this organizing thing on blogger/whatever blog there is.

thirdly, yes i know that there was a whole lot of information in the second part. i realized that my family is still fucked up in the head. not as much as a couple years ago, but still a little fucked up. i wont mention anything but it helps to let my stress out. and it's funny how i've changed so much from the way i was before. if i was the old me, i would've lashed out against my mom last night, instead of making her feel good. its amazing. i am making progress along with my ADD self.

fourthly; the future is a big concern to me right now with all these college applications and the essays that go along with them. and how the hell i am supposed to finance myself when i am in college. it worries me greatly. one thing i absolutely will NOT do is do a student loan. i never ever want to be in debt. i have a couple back up plans though if i can't become a veterinarian. a couple of them are being a post office supervisor, a nurse practitioner, a master mechanic, or going into business and taking over my dad's "business". i really took becoming a mechanic into a career option. it fills my needs of always having to be moving or constantly doing something productive. i can't stand a job where i need to be asking what to do. i want to be given a job that is physically straining. i know. i am a girl and that's hard, but that just means i gotta try harder don't i? and it confuses me a bit since my aunt said she'd kill me if i became a mechanic. i mean she worked hard fo me to get straight A's and so did i and me landing a shitjob like a mechanic (i honestly don't think it is a shitjob) would be so much disappointment for her. but anyways, this blog is getting a tad bit long. so i'll input pictures to keep you entertained cause i know how much of a picture whore i am. so voila


if oyu are a "TL;DR" (too long; didn't read) this whole blog was just a freeing of my thoughts to get cleared. and feel free to read when you're bored. i am almost half asleep as i am typing this, so i shall put pics. gnite.