things don't make fucking sense

i have no idea what my life is holding for me in the future. and all i want is some peace in this fucking troublesome life. i am surprised i made this far, and i hope to make it farther. nine years i have been going through with this shit and whatever he is doing isn't helping my mother and i think his business is honestly driving him crazy. the business has been driving my family crazy. it drove my mom crazy, it drove my brother crazy, and now it's driving my dad crazy. calling the fucking police over something so trivial is NOT going to help with anything, and accusing my mom of having a restraining order and making the police come all fast with sirens makes me fucking embarrassed. i want to go away from all of this, i do NOT understand what i have done wrong in order for me to receive these kind of problems. honestly. and knowing myself, i'll probably put this in the back of my mind and smile for tomorrow and live on without caring about what just happened. what he said, "with our financial problems, right now you can only go to either SMC or UCLA" WHAT THE FUCK. my fucking teenage mind doesn't have the capability to understand and know how to come through in this problem. and i don't want to depend on my mom. i really honestly, want to run away from here. or get away from this kind of environment. its. not. good. for. me. for me, i'll either crumble and fall, or i'll become more determined and get stronger and defeat this kind of obstacle. but who fucking knows.

what happened to the good life. what happened to my family. the fucking business is what happened. my dad's patent is what happened. my dad quitting his job and putting all his luck into this shit is what happened. when my dad was working for ricoh and mita, he was making triple digits and my mom was making good money. that was the time when we used to shop at century city. that was the time when we had sunday dinners in front of the TV. that was the time when i didn't have to worry about my future or about my family's financial problems. that was the time before the whole family was broke. i wish i could scream. i wish i could fall and just end it. like those dreams. i always dream of falling and closing my eyes preparing for the impact but for me, i wake up right before i fall. you know, in dreams like that, when you hit the floor that means you died and won't wake up. maybe i should give up. but i don't want to. i don't want to live a life like my dad's and i don't want to live a life like my moms and especially not my brothers. i want to live a happy life. a happy life that is successful without any problems. i want my family to be happy again. i want my mom to be happy again. and i want my brother to be on the right path again. how long is this going to fucking take. it already took nine years. nine years of turmoil within the family. its hard. it is hard to be proud of who you are and its hard to want to be proud of what you are. but right now, i want to and don't want to have any relations with him. i don't understand why he has money stuck on his mind. and at the moment, i dont want to think about this stuff but i cant help but think about it cause then what am i supposed to do in the future.

its not like i haven't been suicidal. yea. i have. but i don't tell people. yea i know, for the people that have met me, yea, that scar on my arm? that's not a branch scratch. and those tiny scars on my left arm, thank god they're almost gone. don't get me wrong, sometimes i'm totally thankful of my life and thats what 85% of my life is but that 15% is just fucking bullshit. i am just loving and hating my life at this moment. i don't want to have to deal with this but i have to continue on with my life just to make sure that i won't deal with this kind of shit in the future. you know what i'll try to do with allll my heart? i am going to make sure that i at least get some kind of scholarship and TRY with alllll my heart to get that 2100. and if i get into the college that i want, i'll work my ass off to pay through college. for all you friends, this is why i can't go out when you guys go out to meat houses, or chipotle, or yogurtland, or wherever. i don't want to be asking my mom for money all the fuckign time. i hate being dependent on her. she already has to pay all the fucking bills and everything. i don't have money to buy shit that i want. so this is why i am cheap, this is why i seem happy, and this is why i always smile. i know i said that my teenage mind doesn't understand how to overcome this, but i think that's a lie. cause i do know, and i will do it. i always do.


p.s. i'm not trying to make you pity me. i just needed to rant. and i write too slow to say everything thats on my mind. i don't want anyone's pity. and i needed to organize my thoughts.