if only if only if only

if only i could find out who the fuck did that shit to my brother, if only i could know his name, if only i could know his phone number, if only i could know his address. there are multiple MULTIPLE things i would like to do to you. first, i'd like to slap you on the face a million times, and not some fucking bitch slap. a slap. one that makes you fly across the world. second, i'd like to kick you in the balls where you won't be able to make babies anymore. third, id like to pull out your eyes just for LOOKING my family. fourth, i'd like to break all of your fingers just for TOUCHING my brother. fifth, i'd like to break your legs for walking towards my brother. sixth, i'd like to rip your mouth off your face for SPEAKING to my brother.













IM SO FUCKING PISSED. I WANT TO KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOHOHO

i feel the holiday cheer. its ringing in my ears and blows out my mind. blah. LOL. anyways. WINTER BREAK
























WINTER BREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
---
i want to live in japan for a while. in the land of four seasons. i miss it lots.

stuck

im stuck in the past. you know what they say, you can't forget your first love. like i like all these other guys but my thoughts come back to you and it comes back to thinking what we could've been if i didn't say those words to you back in 7th grade. okay seventh grade whatever long time ago. but its been egging at me for so long. and it boooothers me that it bothers me! i mean what the fuck. i try not to let it bother me i really honestly do. but i cant help it. ive been stuck in this position since like a long ass time. i don't even know if you hate me for doing that to you. i have no idea what the hell you feel. i wish i could say this all to you and i hate how i only talk to you when im not sober. i wish i could say hello to you so simply but this fear of being talked down just scares the shit out of me to say hello. and i wish we could sit down and have a deep heart to heart conversation and have silly moments just like how silly you are. i dont care how corny i sound because i rarely sound this genuinely corny. i wish i could text with you, i wish we could go places together, i wish i could break my promise just to be with you. man fuck my fucking heart.


ill think about this later.
fml.
sledoot.

amazing

i know it sounds like bullshit when people say "it's amazing what love can do" but i've seen a miracle happen before my eyes because of love. it really is amazing how far people go for love and what kind of hardships they have to endure because of love.

i've been sick for two days from food poisoning and that shit is the worst. throwing up three times in the first day and feeling true Hunger in the second. i dont understand how people can be bulimic because that shit is crazy. having my body involuntarily retch is one of the top things i don't ever want to encounter. and this was the first time i've felt true Hunger. it gnawed at my mind and made me double over in pain, but i couldnt eat because i was scared of throwing up. it also gave me one of the worst headaches ever. it made me realize that kids in Africa and all the third-world countries went through this 24/7. it was weird but i also thought about 1984. and i feel so helpless but i read through half of Brisingr and my internet barely came on today. i felt so relieved. and now i have to wait for the stupid test tmrw. i really dont wanna go to school tomorrow.

i was thinking, and i have so much shit to catch up on. especially college apps and scholarship apps. and i gotta go to work tomorrow too fml. sigh i cant express this shit in words. ill write later. g'bye

sledoot.

hitoride

in this struggle of life, i really feel alone. sure there are people i can lean on, but with my personality i just choose not to lean on them. it doesn't bother me either, i kind of like being alone. it kind of gives me serenity. again, i'm NOT trying to gain some kind of sympathy, just trying to organize my thoughts. like i feel like noone can understand the kind of pain that i go through or the kind of struggles i go through and i'm the only person that can help myself get better. i guess people just have different types of struggles that have different effects on them. and i really miss playing the piano, feeling my fingers press the keys and how you can control the music. it really was a way to express my feelings and i guess i didn't realize until now. it sucks how money really controls everything. no matter how much i wanna say fuck that shit, it's so important. that really irritates me. ach.

on a brighter note, there are things stressful and stressfree that are coming up. i have to work on my freaking nursing school essays, and i gotta work on my commonapp essays. UPENN and NYU are due Jan 1st of which i'm planning to finish before christmas or after christmas. definately before new years. jan 15th is UCLA and UCI nursing school and USF as well as OSU on Feb 1st. Thank goodness I have time for that but that one is the easiest. FML. lol. AND on the stress-free hand, there is the rose float decorating for KIWIN's on Dec 19. an event i'm looking very forward to and this saturday is hangout with the pokemon crew and maybe hopefully with jeany, jenny, and steph. hehe. and then the secret santa exchange. im super eggcited for that cause i wanna make pretty cards for all the streets. i'm kinda excited for this years christmas and i'm looking very forward to next year cause thats the year where i'm going to get acceptance letters from colleges and probably go travel somewhere with my friends. how excited am i!!!!

oh shoot, i still have to finish gabi's shoes and i want to start making the friendship bracelets again. i still have so much string leftover from 8th grade haha. good ol' days.



i really really really really really really really really love christina aguilera. she's been my all time favorite singer since elementary school and she never stops amazing me with her voice. soooo strong and she's been through so much. i love her. listen to it. makes me nostalgic of the older days ..

anyways, this was a sort of long blog and so i shall end it with a goodnight and a sledoot!

sledoot

furresh

took an hour walk in the chilly air to organize my thoughts or destress myself. it felt real good. the area that i walked in was really nice too, cheviot hills? nice ass houses. but anyways, i'm feeling better and thinking i can pull through. i really really wanna go clubbing and sober dancing. i miss dancing. sheeoot. but anyways, i like this video.



makes me wanna move them hips. hehe
sledoot.

take me away

im sick and tired. tired of everything. i just cant sort anything out right now. all this stress and my confused feelings just make me sick and tired of everything. its so hard to face tomorrow one more time. i dont know if i can come through with everything. i wish there was just something motivating me to go through this stupid ass janky senior year. and i dont wanna do happa ever again cause that shit is just the devil. plain devil. i am going to try to stay away from it with my best.

sledoot

quiero a volar fuera

i want to get away from this place. i don't wanna be involved in Los Angeles anymore. i mean, i would love to get into UCLA's nursing school and all but its just .. Los Angeles ? really? i mean i could always come back in the summer for the beaches, its not like i go to the beach in the winter anyways. fuck. im hoping to go to NYU or hopefully maybe UPENN. and i totally didn't know that Georgetown had to take 3 subject tests. fml to the max. so thats one more off my college list. i really want to go somewhere else. somewhere else that has snow, more diversity, more mixing of cultures. i don't wanna be stuck here in the cliche groups. so i'm hoping to go to NYU and get some big fundings from their financial aids. cause NYU's shit is expensive 60,000$ a year? gotta be kidding me. but yea, recently i think i MIGHT'VE gotten interested but its just soooo harddd. i mean i guess it would be taking it too fast but gosh darn. GOSH DARN. i was almost intent on giving up but ill just calm down and keep a little hope flame in my heart. i really don't want to be alone this christmas or next. i want someone to cuddle with, have a little bit of PDA with, yanno. i don't wanna be the fifth-wheel no more!!! some kind of senior year this is. i'll write later.


sledoot

freedom

today is a very special day because .... i turned in my UC application today. it felt so great. minar, i did see my whole teenage life fly past me. all my elementary years and my middle school years, oh the good ol' days. and the last four years in high school. oh, and it's so great. i felt so relieved yet so sad at the same time. time flies way too past.

happy birthday gaybi! you're finally seventeen years old! i still need to finish your shoes and now that i have more time from college apps i can probably work on them hehe. but now, i gotta work on my commonapp stuff and all i gotta do for the commonapp essay is modify some of the words from my uc prompts, or i might have to write a whole new essay. sigh, stress. i can't wait until im done with all of my college apps on january 15. january 15 will be a very special day for me. phewie. it got too late for me to elaborate on what i've been thinking for the past couple days .. ill write later.

sledoot

FREAKING KAWAIINOHITO

sighhhh 8)

in high spirits

soberly heh. my aunt's coming back to school and i'm hoping that it'll help me focus in school. i shouldn't depend on her like that but i've been surviving without her for the past 3 months with 4 bs 1 c and 1 a UBER DISAPPOINTED. but yea, other then that times are getting better and better. i'm kind of getting proud of my essay and i'm hoping that it'll get me into UCB and UCLA. heh. S;LKDFJG;ALSJFDA;LSJFD;LKJ GOODNIGHT I AM TOO FUCKING HYPER AND MY ADD IS KICKING IN.

SLEDOOT

saviour

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

its strange to think what if i was living in someone else's life. what would i be like, how does that other person live. i DO believe in God, i DO believe in Jesus Christ and i really want to live in the way Jesus lived. but it's just so hard and i know that im just giving myself excuses because i know that i can do it. sigh. I CAN DO IT. BUT ill give myself another excuse and dedicate myself to him later and not now. bad. bad erica.

fuck the alphabet

save yourself the stress, calm down, breathe in and then breathe out
THEN
figure out what you say because i dont think you have ANY idea what you sound like to others. because right now, to me you are sounding like the bitch. watashiwa hontoni tochimasu desu. anatawa watashino dachi desukara. demo anatano akushonga hontoni warui desu. nandaro. ima anatawa hontoni warui hito desu. kizuku suru. antano karewa hontoni yasashii hito desu. you better fucking realize what you sound like.

m

music of the day:

After It - No. 9

l

loving the night i just had.

k

keeling with emotions. that's what my mind is doing right now. emotions for someone that doesn't even exist. and i really want something interesting happen to me right now. its crazy. i want to be in that rollercoaster of a relationship you know? and like last night, was a good night. and i made some promises i hope to keep. its incredible of how much i think about senior year, it's gonna be the best because i am going to make it the best. after college apps, my year is going to be insane. i'mma make it fun, imma try my best to bring happiness to all those around me. cause i love making other people feel happy. sigh, i think my ragtime is coming soon too, so i've been especially emotional and bitchy .. i need to watch it. but yea, i'm excited for this new fanfic cause it's incredibly good for the girl's heart. but anyways, I AM SUPER EXCITED. BYE.

J

JESUS PLEASE GIVE ME STRENGTH TO BE PATIENT WITH MY MOTHER BEFORE MY FIST SPEAKS BEFORE MY MOUTH!!!!!!!!!

i

i am truly solely alone. it is crazy how much i am backsliding away from God. and i did shit in the weekend that im NOT proud of. i have so much contempt towards myself right now it's amazing. and just listening to anything that praises Him is bringing me to tears. probably a sign from up above. "i know that You won't forsake me in my weaknesses"
kari jobe's voice is just so pure. kudos to skang for showing me this song.

listening to this makes me want to be immersed in His love again. i want to go to another retreat. sigh. feeling downnnn.

i've been totally diggin the weather, i looove the rain, the cold, the feeling of warmth. sitting at home in blankets waiting for the weather to clear up. i need to get my college shit togther. i need to do the early decison for UPENN. but i'm not so sure if i wanna go to UPENN if i don't get financial scholarship .. shit, so should i do early decision for UPENN? stress. stress. stress. and it doesn't help how my mom's been on my case about the "computer" and how it "takes up my time" when i NEED to be online for colleges. i can't wait till all my apps are in. i cant wait to go snowboarding.

i just need someone to lean on. i need a friend in Christ.

seldoot

h

honestly, i'm super worried for the now generation and how we're stooping sooo low. going to raves is now the in thing, and so many kids are learning about shit so early. wtf. i didn't even know about weed in middle school. i learned about it in high school. me and my friends were able to have fun without drinking or thinking about doing weed smell me? this is the momeny i think where Judgement day is going to come in MY generation. i hate how we have to deal with the stupid earthquake thats coming, as well as global warming. if we don't fix our pollution, Earth is gonna go into Ice Age in 50 years, and that shit ain't good. and how Earth is going into carrying capacity. and when that happens disease and famine and drought is going to be everywhere. it's so scary. but that's where God comes in and takes the people that are saved. etc.

anyways on a lighter note, i've been trying to write a personal statement. it's hard, cause i do NOT wanna write a sob story, cause the people at the admissions centers accept people that write about things that hit them face on. i wanna write something that will MOVE the admissions people not make them bored about what kind of shitty life i have. it's so hard. i was thinking of writing about my double heritage life. eh. i shall ponder about this later.

g

God, please delete this rot thats taking over my mind and take out the hate out of my body

f

focusing on studying SATs is hard when you go with a friend ... unless if you guys are reallllly wanting to study.
i love long serious talks. i love thinking about them. i love falling deep into the conversation. you're in your own world not caring if others hear you guys.
we were talking about how we really both wanted boyfriends, and how we're craving to cuddle, hold hands, affectionate pecks, you know the whole shabang. then we were talking about boy candidates of who we wanted to date. of course that's gonna stay private. sigh. life. anyways i wanna sleep at ten. i'll update on a longer one later.

toodle oodles!

e

erica is seriously in studying mode.

d

doing personal statements are so freaking hard! what they say about personal statements are so freaking true. they make you realize more about yourself. i just dug up memories that i've forgotten. things that are so old but so warm. memories that i never should've forgotten. but y'know with all this shit that happened between now and then. i understand why i've forgetten about it. and right now, i definately know forsure that i am PMSing because i just started today. hehe sorry for TMI. but yea, im digging up and reliving memories from the past. so strange. anyways i gotta go to sleep so ..

OODLES.

c

cedars is a great hospital and all, but they've GOT to get a better filing system.
-------------
all the things that are on my mind right now are:
boys
personal statement
imagination
boys
relationships
parties
college
school
calculus
SATs!!!!
boys.
mannnnn, i so miss the cuddlings and hand-holdings. i'm caught up in my past.

b

because i promised pictures, here they are;








class of 2010 yeeeuh.






she acts like she's a princess, but i still love her.






i love LA fall weather, it's the best.

a

a tad bit weird to realize that i always start my blogs with "i". weell, i'll start to change that really soon. anyways, its october .. which means its COLLEGE TIME. god, its so hectic, filling out applications. you need your parents' info and errthang. it gets annoying too. for every single college its the same information over and over again. and i dont like calculus. there's some things about it that i cant seem to get. like limits. shoot me in the head with limits. gosh. anyways, this thing is looking dreary so i'll add some pics ... later

toodles

viral

i am sick and i've been sick since wednesday/thursday. i am trying to get over it so that i can be healthy again and run. and i didn't go to school on friday so i couldnt get my APCALC book so that i could start working on my stupid hw thats due on friday with a whole bunch of problems. eff my life. sigh. i give up for now.

toodles

thud

i am going to aim for UPENN. i didn't even know that school was an Ivy League, but hell it is! the reason i'm aiming for there is cause they have school of nursing AND school of veterinary medicine all in one place. i mean, what other calling is there for me? but it's so hard to get into, but i shall and will set my mind to it. and supposedly if your family income is under a certain amount then you get free tuition!!!! ahhhhh!!! i hope my mom is making less than anything! and i hope my dad's business doesn't start until i start school. gah! but anyways, today was a good day in general. went to school, took ID pictures (of which i got two; a normal and a funny), finished school, went to chipotle, and then went to the aunt's house, played with Miles, talked, and went home. all in all a satisfactory day. yay. i'm looking forward to until school starts to get hard. NOT. anyways, i gotta rest, i can feel myself getting tired everyday.

toodles.

ready

okay, now i'm in the mood to be writing in this. its weird how running can bring so much peace to me and i wanna write about it in my college essay but it's so cliche .. but anyways, i'll think of a serene lake and write my thoughts.

elaborating on my previous post, i have really been in a good mood. i love my off-rag days where i'm not bitchy, moody, or anything of the sort. and i've been just listening to some instrumentals that bring my mind to peace. and i gotta say, i disappointed myself again this past weekend. i really do wanna stop doing "hoppa" its bad for you. buuuuut some things happened that sprung up old feelings and its like fuck. it's been four years why'd you have to come up now. and now, i'm looking forward to the halloween party thats going to come up. and these old feelings bring imagination with them. i have no idea what i am going to do with myself. and i've been telling myself to sit down at the table and work on my homework before going on the computer. and i like it. studying for the SATs and studying for my homework. makes me feel accomplished, but the days come in where my ADD kicks in and i can't concentrate on that shit at all. that's why going to the library is so good cause it's so quiet and it has a good atmosphere. i wanted to go today, but we had to pick up my brother from dtwn. fail. but hopefully i'll be working on my college apps tomorrow at my aunt's house and i'll work on my homework heh. i also gotta bring my list of colleges to mr. furlong tomorrow. sheoot. anyways, i gotta shower and go to sleep. so,


TOODLES.

myujeek

lately, my mood's been on good terms and i like it. i love how i'm doing my homework first and all. and today, i've been put on blast like a couple hundred times. haha. mr. waddell found out i have ADD and its true because i was playing with a couple of things a lot of times in his class. and i dont have any motivation to write in this right now. and im waiting for my food in my stomach to settle so that i can go running of which i am going to go soon. like at ten ish.

man i can be such a bitch sometimes. i think my head just expanded a little too much at the beginning of senior year. i realized that i need to pay attention to my friends more. and i am REALLY sorry for not being more of a friend. you know who you are. today was full of a lot of stuff. i had to do a lot of homework last night, and i was sleeping at 3 a.m. for the past few days. i have a feeling that imma crash soon if i don't get sufficient enough sleep. there were a couple quizzes today, and then CEDARS orientation, then jang tuh.

i really hate it when i'm a bitch cause that's just not who i am. but i realize that i haven't been as jolly as i used to be in my past years at high school. i don't find myself smiling or laughing as much as i used to. this summer was such a blessing and a curse. agh, but i'm trying. i really am sorry though that i was just ignoring and that i've been getting distant. i'll remember my status and try to return to who i used to be.

and making such early promises just end up being empty promises. i gotta take in the consequences of making such early promises in my life cause there are way too many temptations in my life and surround me. i am so tired. my eyes are closed as i am typing this. i will go to sleep. gnite.

toodles.

okay so, here’s my deal or mostly everyone’s deal. ever since the economic recession, my family’s financial situation has gone down the drain. my mom has to work so many hours and so hard just to get our family through the expenses. and honestly most of her paycheck goes to our expenses and she doesn’t have any left over for herself to buy herself a nice handbag or a nice dress. i mean, i don’t mind not getting money, but it’s her i worry about. she’s fifty years old and she’s been working hard her whole life. and she used up all her savings to pay for all our shit. and it ticks me off because of the way i treat her and because of the way my brother and father treat her. i mean thank God for letting Him bring her under His arms, because i think without His strength she wouldn’t have been able to pull through. and one thing that gets to me is how highschool kids are wasting money like it’s nothing. for me i’d have to scrounge on a $20 bill for two weeks and i usually go by without minding if i don’t have money. but i have friends who expect me to do things with them when i don’t have jackshit to spend with them and i absolutely HATE borrowing my friends’ money. it’s embarrassing first of all, and second it’s a pain to pay that shit back. i guess you can say i am jealous of those kids but you know, i can’t help it because they have this financial abundance and i don’t. and i don’t get the luxury of going to chipotle everyday after school or going shopping with my friends. i can barely even buy a bus pass. shit. anyways, i am going to stop self-pitying myself and suck it up and deal with it. i mean, i’ve been handling it for nine years, i can handle a couple more years of this financial problem. you know what they say, no pain no gain. and now i’m thinking of changing my career path into becoming a nurse practitioner. ill do a double major or something. now i am going to apply to UCLA. well, gotta start contemplating about my future and what to do. fun.

i. am. so. worried. shit man, i wonder if i would need two jobs. this totally sucks. i really hate this economic crisis and all the expenses in the world and how the world is always wanting money and how the industries are so shitdamned corrupted. i really wish that our family would get back into the financial abundance that we USED to have for like couple of years. i worry for my mom especially since she's so frail and she's working so hard. i really need to pray. my whole family, the whole world needs strength right now. this cold harsh world is just a tad bit scary to live in right now. like if my mom gets sick or dies (which she wont) my family would get into big shit. like i'd probably get sent to another family, hideo would be forced to get a job, when he should be having a job already. and i especially do NOT want to move into some shitty ktwn apartment. i don't like ktwn at all. i'll always be reppin 310 westside palms area. and i need to start applying to scholarships and colleges. so much stress for now. only til december will i need to put up with this stressful stuff. man, now i gotta go and study for SATs and apply to scholarships.

on the brightside, i went to the library for 3 hrs today and took a practice SAT test from the backside of the book. imma correct it tomorrow and work on that shit. i don't even think i can even think of going out anymore. i don't have that luxury of going out for a while. anyways, i am goign to start looking at scholarships. toodles.

its way too early for me to be promising things

i wish this allowed me to send more than 160 spaces!!!

ashamed

before, it was something to be proud and boastful about, but now it's something to be ashamed to do. i did something that i shouldn't have done, and i really need more resistance in doing stuff like that. i need strength from Him and from friends to help me to stop doing crap like that. ugh. i hate my personality. i hate being hypocritical. i need to stop, i really need to get away from this corrupted world.

2 0 1 0

tomorrow is the big day and i am very uber excited. i mean come on, senior year. this is the LAST year. it only makes me realize of all the memories ive had in the past and all the new things that are coming up. agh. so scary.

i have no idea, if i have a case of depression or not. i barely realized this when i was hanging out with family a couple days ago. i mean i don't think i have depression. and i know you're supposed to respect yourself first before you respect God but i don't even know if my mentality is respecting itself right now. and i wasn't hungry at all today. i only ate because i WANTED to eat it not because my body was telling me to eat it. i don't have any idea what is wrong with me. i just hope i never backslide away from God. it's kinda crazy. i think the song gravity by bareilles is just making me feel like this. i feel like my mind is torn into two. like when i was at camp, i loved how i was isolated from this corrupted world and it was just me, God, and other people that were finding God. it takes us 21 days to get into a new habit, so hopefully, i'll pray and write daily things for 21 days and it'll turn into a daily habit. i want to go away to an isolated island and live there by myself for a couple weeks. i feel as if my mind is a stretched rubber band right now and anything drastic can pop it and only the grace of God is keeping me together. man this summer was a total blessing and curse.


i love God. i love Him so so so so so so so much.

dear whoever it refers to

what i've learned from past experiences, my generation, our generation is suffering soo much. everyone has some kind of deep dark secret. and people say things to hurt us and somtimes us teenagers take it as a bullet wound and think upon it forever and forever. but you know, we shoud just take those words and turn them into somethig that would make us stronger yanno? and i know i'm being a hypocrite about this but its the truth. and it hurts for me to watch kids my age/younger to go through some type of struggling because of it. shiet.

i've fallen in love with a nonexistent man. i love imagination.

us against the world

i hate self-pity. self-pity is the reason for these scars, it can FUCK you up so bad. sorry God! i just had to cuss. humans really need interaction to stay sane. man, songs can really change your emotions and get you thinking. and its SO sad how kids around my age are hanging around people that brings them down soooo far down. really honestly, this makes me want to change them and bring them to Him cause that's who they need in this life. little wangsters hanging out at drug dealer's places and rotting to death isn't the way to go. their personalities change so much. ugh.

kcuf

don't know if im pmsing but this shit is hard to keep up with. what is up with my mentality.

spiritual walk

i am officially quitting smoking weed and drinking and talking shit about people. SO, if you're gonna talk shit about people, don't expect me to talk shit about them with you, cause judging people is SO wrong especially if i don't know them personally. God has shown me that people can get so close in his embrace. right now, i would die for Jesus Christ and he is my number one in my life right now and i would risk EVERYTHING to do anything for him, if that would mean losing my friends/life/blah blah. i just came back from a retreat and man, i was so very blessed the whole time i was there. not only did i receive his presence but he spoke to me and gave my visions and told me things. it's so fucking crazy. you can't imagine God's presence in this world. It's impossible. I can't describe it in words and i am on a forever spiritual high right now so i am probably not making sense so i shall write later. bye.

shambles.














wait a second. august 20th? i don't even remember what happened. shoot. i have this tendency to shove things i don't want to remember way back in my mind. freak. ugh this is seriously bothering me. wthell happened!?

listen to yourself talk and ask yourself if you're being humble. listen to yourself and then think about how it makes ME feel when you say that. you've known me long enough. do you think i'd smile and laugh whenever you tell me that? i don't like feeling this competitive feeling or jealousy. it makes me want to punch you. sure okay, you just want to share the joyous feeling of yours but it's just making me feel pissed off. knowing your personality, i don't know if you're trying to rub it in my face or if you're being genuine. but i hope you're being genuine cause if you're being a brat and rubbing it in my face, i'm not going to give you the answer that you're looking for. so here's a big FUCK YOU I DON'T GIVE A SHIT to you. oh yea, and looking at both of our situations, you should've been humble and thought about my brother and been oh, i don't deserve this. MY BROTHER IS FUCKING 22. and you get that shit for free. sometimes, i do NOT understand how you can be so fucking selfish. but then again, i don't blame you since you don't know about my family situation
------------------------------
anyways, other than that, i took a long ass walk today to try to clear my mind about my family. i'm not sure whether to pity my father, love my father, or clear connections from my father. it's hard, i mean i've been living with him for 16 years and there are a lot of good memories with my father. i think it would be better for us to separate, but i can't help stop thinking about the after moments of what would happen if my dad were to live alone. i can so imagine him going crazy and committing suicide. its kinda scary ... especially how he doesn't have a stable/no income. how would he be able to support his business? from the money from selling the unit? i mean $250k isn't gonna last him forever. my mom makes a lot of money, and yet it's not sufficient to pay for everything ... that's hard. ugh, whatever. i'mma be optimistic ... hopefully. this family shit will soon drive me crazy ..

i don't like this tension in the air.

things don't make fucking sense

i have no idea what my life is holding for me in the future. and all i want is some peace in this fucking troublesome life. i am surprised i made this far, and i hope to make it farther. nine years i have been going through with this shit and whatever he is doing isn't helping my mother and i think his business is honestly driving him crazy. the business has been driving my family crazy. it drove my mom crazy, it drove my brother crazy, and now it's driving my dad crazy. calling the fucking police over something so trivial is NOT going to help with anything, and accusing my mom of having a restraining order and making the police come all fast with sirens makes me fucking embarrassed. i want to go away from all of this, i do NOT understand what i have done wrong in order for me to receive these kind of problems. honestly. and knowing myself, i'll probably put this in the back of my mind and smile for tomorrow and live on without caring about what just happened. what he said, "with our financial problems, right now you can only go to either SMC or UCLA" WHAT THE FUCK. my fucking teenage mind doesn't have the capability to understand and know how to come through in this problem. and i don't want to depend on my mom. i really honestly, want to run away from here. or get away from this kind of environment. its. not. good. for. me. for me, i'll either crumble and fall, or i'll become more determined and get stronger and defeat this kind of obstacle. but who fucking knows.

what happened to the good life. what happened to my family. the fucking business is what happened. my dad's patent is what happened. my dad quitting his job and putting all his luck into this shit is what happened. when my dad was working for ricoh and mita, he was making triple digits and my mom was making good money. that was the time when we used to shop at century city. that was the time when we had sunday dinners in front of the TV. that was the time when i didn't have to worry about my future or about my family's financial problems. that was the time before the whole family was broke. i wish i could scream. i wish i could fall and just end it. like those dreams. i always dream of falling and closing my eyes preparing for the impact but for me, i wake up right before i fall. you know, in dreams like that, when you hit the floor that means you died and won't wake up. maybe i should give up. but i don't want to. i don't want to live a life like my dad's and i don't want to live a life like my moms and especially not my brothers. i want to live a happy life. a happy life that is successful without any problems. i want my family to be happy again. i want my mom to be happy again. and i want my brother to be on the right path again. how long is this going to fucking take. it already took nine years. nine years of turmoil within the family. its hard. it is hard to be proud of who you are and its hard to want to be proud of what you are. but right now, i want to and don't want to have any relations with him. i don't understand why he has money stuck on his mind. and at the moment, i dont want to think about this stuff but i cant help but think about it cause then what am i supposed to do in the future.

its not like i haven't been suicidal. yea. i have. but i don't tell people. yea i know, for the people that have met me, yea, that scar on my arm? that's not a branch scratch. and those tiny scars on my left arm, thank god they're almost gone. don't get me wrong, sometimes i'm totally thankful of my life and thats what 85% of my life is but that 15% is just fucking bullshit. i am just loving and hating my life at this moment. i don't want to have to deal with this but i have to continue on with my life just to make sure that i won't deal with this kind of shit in the future. you know what i'll try to do with allll my heart? i am going to make sure that i at least get some kind of scholarship and TRY with alllll my heart to get that 2100. and if i get into the college that i want, i'll work my ass off to pay through college. for all you friends, this is why i can't go out when you guys go out to meat houses, or chipotle, or yogurtland, or wherever. i don't want to be asking my mom for money all the fuckign time. i hate being dependent on her. she already has to pay all the fucking bills and everything. i don't have money to buy shit that i want. so this is why i am cheap, this is why i seem happy, and this is why i always smile. i know i said that my teenage mind doesn't understand how to overcome this, but i think that's a lie. cause i do know, and i will do it. i always do.


p.s. i'm not trying to make you pity me. i just needed to rant. and i write too slow to say everything thats on my mind. i don't want anyone's pity. and i needed to organize my thoughts.

august tidings

it is august first today. a day that means that there is only one more month of school left and that there are many things to do this month. last night, i stayed up till four thirty memorizing vocab words and trying to console my cousin and think of something to write. and before i knew it, it was already "early" in the morning. i don't want to make this blog sound jiralful, so i am going to speak from my heart as much as possible without any bullshit.

first off, i'd like to mention that i want lauramijunglee's name as a tat somewhere on my body. preferably in hanja or maybe her initials or something. i realized, that she does SO many things that makes me want to kill her, but in the end it all comes down to me realizing that i still love her and that she is the closest person to me. i know how to get her irritated and she knows how to get me irritated and yet, we've had the most closest moments ever. and i feel like, i need this constant reminder to say that i love her with all my heart. even if i want to choke her sometimes.

secondly, i am on my rag and that is probably why i am being in the mood to write in my blog. i hate it when i'm on my rag cause i end up craving shit, gaining a whole shit load of pounds, popping endless amount of pimples, become bloated, and write useless things that don't make sense after i read them. its quite funny. another thing that pestered my mind about writing on the blog was that i always seem to write them at night. where all my thoughts are gathered up in this skull of mine. it still amazes me how the brain works. all those neurons still doesn't explain why we have a conscious. these are the moments where i think God comes into play. Electrolytes simply relaying information doesn't sum up a human's mind to me. who gave us the right to think like this? isn't it strange? i don't know. i'll figure it out when my brain grows larger along with my head and along with my thoughts. another thing that's funny, is how i love reading other people's blogs. it helps me know what to write in mine, or it helps to let me think of what i am going to type in mine. i am not making sense. but, in the future, i'll try to learn how to do this organizing thing on blogger/whatever blog there is.

thirdly, yes i know that there was a whole lot of information in the second part. i realized that my family is still fucked up in the head. not as much as a couple years ago, but still a little fucked up. i wont mention anything but it helps to let my stress out. and it's funny how i've changed so much from the way i was before. if i was the old me, i would've lashed out against my mom last night, instead of making her feel good. its amazing. i am making progress along with my ADD self.

fourthly; the future is a big concern to me right now with all these college applications and the essays that go along with them. and how the hell i am supposed to finance myself when i am in college. it worries me greatly. one thing i absolutely will NOT do is do a student loan. i never ever want to be in debt. i have a couple back up plans though if i can't become a veterinarian. a couple of them are being a post office supervisor, a nurse practitioner, a master mechanic, or going into business and taking over my dad's "business". i really took becoming a mechanic into a career option. it fills my needs of always having to be moving or constantly doing something productive. i can't stand a job where i need to be asking what to do. i want to be given a job that is physically straining. i know. i am a girl and that's hard, but that just means i gotta try harder don't i? and it confuses me a bit since my aunt said she'd kill me if i became a mechanic. i mean she worked hard fo me to get straight A's and so did i and me landing a shitjob like a mechanic (i honestly don't think it is a shitjob) would be so much disappointment for her. but anyways, this blog is getting a tad bit long. so i'll input pictures to keep you entertained cause i know how much of a picture whore i am. so voila


if oyu are a "TL;DR" (too long; didn't read) this whole blog was just a freeing of my thoughts to get cleared. and feel free to read when you're bored. i am almost half asleep as i am typing this, so i shall put pics. gnite.

howdy

i just had my frist driving lesson today, and my butt was sore after i came out of the car from sitting in there for two hours. we did right turns, left turns, parallel parking and shit. i suck at parallel parking. haha i always come too close to the curb!! and my driving instructor is victor gahha. i thought he was some indian dude on the phone but boy was i wrong. he's nice though and kinda funny. he doesnt have a bad vibe ... i don't think. and currently, i am thinking of going to yogurtland to grab some yogurt or some boba but maybe i'll kill the ice cream at home .. hmmm or maybe i'll go to bay cities and grab a sandwich before class starts.

i LOVE my class. like super. and i wouldn't mind being a mechanic. its something i like doing. but i wanna do something down and dirty in that class of mine. and i love my professor too. he reminds me of the amigos from happy feet. i think i already mentioned that but you guys can read it again. hehe. i also want to apply to westsubs sicne they are accepting applications and all .. and i should apply soon and since they're so close to me. gah. anyways, i'll type later.

byeee

rants

i'm just ranting, but i like it when people act like how they do in real life, online. and when i'm super close with the person and know how they act like in real life and they act different online its like ... well i dont know why its getting to me now, but i only think i'm doing his cause i'm on my period and hate it. after school ended, i never found the time to focus on blogger and its hard cause there's nothing happening really. and i hate it when some people say things such as blahblahblah blah blah blah. anyways i'm done with my ranting and hopefully i'll come up with something nice to say later on.

blasted with a cold

ugh, i am sick, with a runny nose and errthang. i was supposed to eat medicine at two so i suppose i should go and eat it now before i get more sick. i really want this sickness to go away though. and i was scared that i was going to get swine flu, but i really doubt that its swine flu. egh. imma go eat meds, bye now, take care.

auto shop

yummm, i love the auto 40 class. full of g'lookin men haha. and i'm one of two girls in that class. but other than looking at fine men i got to lift my very first carrr. it was a good experience. haha. i looooooove that class. today was a very tiring day too. me and lorrain started biking from 10:30 to like 3:00 a very long time it is. i wanna speak like yoda. a good day, today was. to venice beach, lorrain and i biked. hard to talk like yoda, it is. but yes, i saw some cuties, exercised, ate maki yaki, lifted a car, and did so much more. today was a good day. yay. talk to y'all later.

done

haha oops, i havent update in a whilee. man my summer so far is good except for the part that natasha might spend her whole summer in sri lanka. which will mean she'd be gone for her bday and mine. poo ... i'm really sad over the fact that some of my favorite seniors have graduated but other then that i'm content CAUSE I AM A SEN10R NOW. yea bitches. but yes, i've been at the beach, and at a cub scouts camp which was pretty much horrible. i've also been on adventures with sandy, playin with Miles, and much more. and i just started auto 40 today which is super fun. the professor reminds me of one of the penguins from the amigos in Happy Feet. like no joke. the way he talks and moves is like the penguins. soooo cute. and he keeps making me laugh and most people know my laughs and how they are loud and hard to control so i have a hard time concentrating since i have to concentrate on not laughing. but anyways i must go and sleep hehehe. gnite.

byee.

p.s. auto mechanics is a hot boy magnet yum

four

okay, so there are technically four more days till school's over but of course i am not coming on friday but i have to go to graduation since i'm junior rep .. but i am planning to go to the beach on friday with janet and possibly esther yeyyy. and i think loida's going too but i am not going if its going to be cold cause then that would suck. but yea i am distracted and cannot keep attention to this blog so im going to keep it short.
and yes i know that i've been slacking on writing in my blogs but i try and i'll keep trying. kthxbye.

five

i've decided that next year, i'mma take pictures with disposable cameras so that i can develop them and keep them forever. and take pictures with digitals. hehe. i can't believe its five more days until summer and then senior year and that the seniors are graduating this year! it makes me sad. man. imma save the tears for later haha.
anyways, i'm supposed to be working on my apush scrapbook and its not even 50% done cause i can't find ANY books on some freaking 1812 years. pissing me off. but then again i think it might be the pamphlets that were used. hm. but yea. i'm hoping to plan a bonfire keke and some parties and i need to start looking for a job. pissing me off.

gotta work on the scrapbook. i'll talk later. sorry for not updating !

bye.

eight

if lakers win this game then they can win the champs with ONE more game!! i hope they win. they definately need to win. TWO MORE GAMES. but anyways

EIGHT MORE FUCKING DAYS TILL SCHOOL'S OVER and i am gonna take automechanics



BOO MAGIC GOTTA PAY ATTENTION TO THE GAME
SORRY BYE

ten

i am so tired high right now. i better sleep otherwise i'll be in a bad ass mood tomorrow ..

twelve

okay, so SMC ran out of space in Spanish 2 and i guess that's partially my fault for not enrolling in time but the fucking window was open YESTERDAY and how was i supposed to know that all these fucking people were going to apply.
and the reason all these people are applying is probably because their highschools summer school sessions probably closed down because of budget cuts. and not only that teachers are being cut and while this is happening lausd are building a bunch of new schools that cost like millions of dollars. AND I FUCKING WONDER WHY WE DON'T HAVE MONEY
and on top of that i have fucking five projects to do and on top of that my mom is accusing me of acting funny. and honestly i am about to fucking blow up right now. RIGHT NOW. i will honestly punch the daylights out of something. i can't wait till i'm off on my own in college.

but for now, fuck my life, FUCK LAUSD THE MOST, and fuck all other shit that is ruining my "i love life moments"

fifteen

yey!! fifteen more days of school left!!! i love love love this one song by aj rafal and jesse barrera called she was mine. thanks to charlie for playing in the car. today, i went to volunteerin at Stone Canyon Creek and we were pulling out weeds the whole time. and i feel bad for leaving early ... cause they were all working hard and .. haha. i won't say but anyways. i'm listening to lydia paek and i like her voice! i really wanna cut my hair after prom like short! but guys supposedly like long hair, but then again, shouldn't i be pleasing myself? yes i should be pleasing myself. lol. after we went to the volunteer place, charlie went to ucla to do "free ninety nine". it doesn't bother me though since i used to do that for drinks with my brother. then we went to innout and then i went to diddy reese's which was bomb then rose, connie, and jean came over my house and jean showed me youtube videos and some snl vids whie connie and rose slept cause that volunteering shit was tiring heh. and then we left and i dropped them off while i had a nice piano lesson and got to see the cutie hehe

so now, i am at home relaxing and lazing off. i need to start studying for the SATs which are next week, and i am going to start to read my SAT booklet everyday from now on till next saturday .. shite. i really need to get a good score otherwise i'm fucking screwed. but then i have the whole summer to study my ass off.

but i am going to go and laze around.

tata

16

sixteen more days. i finally finished the song with esther thank god. one down four more to go. (meaning projects) but yea. sixteen more days. oh man my mom is doing more then she can handle. i need to help, i'm guilt trippin so bad, and i wanna find a job so i can relieve her at least little bit. that's the only reason i wanna find a job. like i dont wanna rely on her for money. i know i've already been over this but this recession we're in isn't helping at all. like people say, oh you're doing it for the money huh? yeah i'm doing it for the money, but i have a purpose behind it.

anyways, i've been feeling moody, bloated, bitchy, sad, lately. but thats all gonna end soon. hopefully in a day or two. anyways, tomorrow is the 2010 fundraiser and saturday is volunteering at UCLA woot woot. um, i need to call that lady from Cedars. dude, so little time left but so much to do. i have to do:

We Didn't Start the Fire project - June 2
Ecocolumn - June 5
Animal Behavior - June 12?
English Research Paper - June 12
Scrapbook - June 15?

and i need to start getting A's on my tests in math analysis so i can get a stupid A in that class as well as AP Bio. And i need to turn in my essays, but mr. lord hasn't said anything so far so idk. hahaha, but i'd rather wait until he inputs it into the computer ... heheh. i am so bad. anyways, i need some rest because i didn't have any last night, so i'll try to type more later.

tats.

18

I GOT INTO CEDARS!! and only twelve people got in, shoutouts to minar! haha. anyways, so i was right and i was being moody cause i started my rag today or was it yesterday. sorry if it's tmi. haha. anyways, i need to get my act together no joke. starting from tomorrow i am going to start to. i have to do the math hw, turn in my books, do the project, finish doing the bio essays, and start on the deng apbio project. so much shit to do! AND my english research paper... fuck. and these are all due in june! fuck man! i have to sleep though cause its 1:14 am now. so bye

toodleoodles

fat

i feel sooooooooooo fattttt!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay, saturday was maureen's dinner party at tahoe galbi and stevie ordered at least ten plates ... and then today was the food for naomi's thing. and then tomorrow is food at fucking el dorado park. i wanna be skinny or slender for once! and not thick! i need to start exercising more ... and watch what i eat. like seriously. i was doing so well ... but anyways. both days were pretty fun except for the part where i had to wait in ghetto nation at dockweiler beach for tesia and tillman to come ... for two hours. thanks to the nice latino that lent me his phone to call naomi. and thank god i memorized naomi's numero! but yea then we could NOT find any firepits so we all went to victor's and alex's apartment and finished our hot dogs there. i think i am about to start my rag because i am feeling bitchy about everything and my self esteem is so low right now. and i am usually not like this. fuck. man. i just want school to end at get six a's and one b in only apush. and i still didnt even start on the stupid projects! man. i need to run through the finish line. i want to write about more things but i am not sure what so i'm just gonna ramble on. i love the postal service. like listening to such great heights makes me feel like i am underwater in the ocean with the sun rays hittin through. i think i am going to go through my postal service phase again. i am feeling philosophical right now. like the sun and the planet earth. you know i had a dream that i was flying upside down in the upside down part of earth and i was falling but i flipped right side up because of the gravity. it was super super weird. brand new colony - the postal service.

i think i have ADD no joke. cause i get distracted REALLY easily. and i'm not talking about the computer alone but stuff like the wind moving the tree's leaves or just plain daydreaming. i mea i can focus real well but its just that yea. i need something to keep me on track. and when i went to alex/victor's apartment, it made me realize that i want my own apartment haha. it would be fun to have to do my own dishes and laundry and shit. and being free from so much things. i mean yea there are bills and all but honestly, i think all the fun parts override the bad things ..

i don't wanna write too long that it makes you just give up reading my posts so i am going to go fall asleep and be pissed off that i have to go to el dorado park ... tata

bs <3

NINETEEN

hah, so i'm listening to philipbyun's music and honestly they bring me peace. check them out here but yea. so i'm talking to my senior friend and its sort of hitting me in the face that i am almost in fuckin college you know? and like right now all the seniors are probably getting ready for prom. i am so excited and sad for next year. sad that i am getting older yet excited for the things that are going to come. there are only nineteen days left 'till school is done! i am so lazy right now, and i feel like going for a bike ride. maybe i should go all the way to venice beach and back? heh. i have all the time in the world too. well, imma go get some exercise done.

ill type later

22

hallo thar. it is 12:24 am.
good bye.

23

o lordy lordy. today was such an adventure filled day filled with soooo much laughter and gratitude. so, there was CSTs as usual and i was super tired since i slept at two a.m. (of which i am still tired) so anyways, afterschool was the AP Gov meeting and i finished that shit fast. and after that, i was super bored and had nothing to do ... so texted up people to see what they were doing and while i was at the bus stop, i ran into julie and connie who were supposed to go to Pearl but it was taking a long ass time. then i ask them if they wanted to play and they said "okay". so we went to farmer's market to buy some yum yums since we were hungry and we bought the brazilian bbq. that shit is bomb. i want to go to brazil with gabi this winter :( but yes. so after brazilin bbq, we go to plb to meet up with jean to play and eat. and we were jus chillin and trying to play games. then we go to her house and look at yearbooks and also because julie had to pee. haha. SINCE THIRD PERIOD. poor thing. then connie wanted to head home so we followed the momma duckling to her house but before that we wanted to drop by aaron's house but unfortunately he wasn't there. then we went to the house and into the room and i forget what we started to do .. but later that day on the way back from walking julie out was when the fun all started. so there was this little boy entering the building, and me stupidly feeling hyper was doing monster status on the boy but secretly. and then we enter the elevator but the boy's mom come in! and i'm trippin out cause i thought she saw me do that to him. and then she leaves on the second floor. and then there was this indian man that left on the third and me and connie squished into the corner and tried to close the door but it wouldn't close. and we were giggling like crazy cause before that i slapped her boobies super hard. and then when we go to the fourth floor, she presses all the buttons and me being stupidly crazy again, makes sure all the buttons are pressed, even the lower levels and start pressing the buttons like a mad scientist. and when the door opens im still pressing the buttons and there is this indian man staring at me like i am CUHRAZY so, i run away following connie collapsing onto her entrance floor. oh man, and then we go into her room and i eat chapaghetti and we start to look at funny videos and then we kill our stomachs with the college humor one that tries to legalize shrooms "I was fired now i am watered." but yes. oh today was fun.

i am sick. i am coughing and sick. but no stuffy nose. strange. maybe i have the swine flu. haha jkjk. h1n1! but i am tired and i won't get better like this, so i must feel better by sleeping early! mucho amor to everyone. toodle-oo.

24

i miss the chill days, where i didn't have to worry about anything, and each day was filled with fun ...

25

hi thur, today was a very busy day for me. well not very busy, but fun packed. um, i went to the carnival to volunteer at hancock elementary school. it wasn't really a carnival but more like a festival. no rides and such, but i had to wake up early for that. it was like waking up on a school day. but yea, i arrived around 7:50 - 8:00 a.m. and signed in and then helped out with the foods and shit. i felt like i didnt really do much and was just lazing around and "helping" out. i got a pretty cool henna but it's super faded cause i think i left it on for twoo short of a time, and i put water on it. but now i have a feeling that i am super obssessed about hennas now. not the dark black ones or the ones at venice, but the ones that indian people do. they're super pretty. anyways, so yea, i WAS planning to see miles today but my mom was sick and i didn't wanna transport some sickness to poor miles. i am definately going to see him and emo next weekend. but from the carnival, i took the bus home and took a shower thinking i was going to see him, but then i ended up not going. then i went to my piano lesson and I SAW THE CUTIE HELLA GOOD PIANO PLAYER hhehehe. and i hope that he is after me all the time now since my lesson is at 6:30 PM ehehehehe. i am such a creep/weirdo but that's just who i am and that's why people love me. cause i am a creep/weirdo. i also have a jaw fetish and a skinship fetish. i like touching people. ahahha. anways, so after piano lesson i came home and massaged my mom for an hour which she gives me ten bucks for. then i went ice skating which was super fun even though it was just me and natasha. i fell .. *sad face. lol and when i did i felt it go in slow motion and i just layed there splayed out for a couple seconds before getting up. super embarrassing. i love ice skating. i love all ice sports. but yes that was my day, and now i must go to sleep since i am super tired.

i also feel like i've gotten even closer to naomi cause of the conversation we've had at chipotle on friday. and shoutouts to sandy, i still like being your low key psychologist. i like lending ears to people. didja realeyes? enweis, i'm tire-ud. must go to shreep so i shall type later kay? bye.

tata.

28

hay thur! my days thes days are SOOOO good. and i just deflea'd mah dog but she's still itching and i think its from the bites. her skin is SO red. i hate the fucking fleas. honestly, the ONE question i am going to ask God when i go to heaven is WHAT WAS YOUR PURPOSE OF MAKING FLEAS, TICKS, AND MOSQUITOES DEAR GOD!!!! but yea, that is the one question i would ask him. i am typing too fst for my computr because it is forgetting th vowels that im typing or some tpe of letter .. anyways, the computer is acting stupid so i am going to go to sleep ... wait up no its not haha. but i do have to go to sleep cause it is 12:14 AM so i must go

toodleoodles.

29

I AM FINALLY DONE WITH MY FRIGGIN APS! man am i so happy! but now, i gotta study for SATs in june, and i have to do a couple of shoes and then imma focus on playing the guitar and selfteaching myself to play. so, now i am going to work on gabi's shoes, well, first i have to plan it out. hehe. and then partying this weekend i hope keke. o my goddd, may is going by so fast! its already second week! shite.

today was a fun day sorta. me, jean, and sandy busted a mission to get out of school by calling each other and saying we were all sick. haha. then we went to the grove and ate chipotle and jean went to forever 21 to buy a white t-shirt and me and sandy went to the french crepe co to eat a yummy ass crepe, but i think sandy got ragtagged cause she's geting all these headaches and cravings lmao. cause first she ate chipotle, then the crepe and then while we're eating crepe she says ... i want cheesecake. lol! anyways after that we went to victoria secret to get our measures .. of which i am very embarrassed to say. haha. but we'll all know them and i think my measurement is wrong for the biofit cause that shit was squeezing out my fat. poo, so that makes me wanna lose weight more lmao. or try to. i wanna lose TEN more pounds!!!!!! anyways then sandy had to go to work so she left then me and jean went to barnes and then we left and went to her house for her to change and get some library books and then we walked back to barnes to "study" with sarahkoh, amy, and moe of which they didnt study and i was just looking at the banksy <3 book. he is an amazing artist, not like art wise (well that too) but the depth of the meaning of his art is insane. i think that people are BORN with that kind of gift and that's not something you can acquire. but yea, then they were fooling around and then we went to fairfax library and then we left to go home. in general this was a busybody day. and i have to go poo.

so! i shall go poo and work on gabi's shoe's drawings hehe. before she comes home which is like now. tata.

overcasts

i hate overcasts ... and how they ruin all your plans!!!!

m fox

holy fuck shes so fucking hot

30

today was the apush exam and it was pretty intense. i kept brain farting the whole day after the ap exam. like i tripped on the stupid mat and it hurted like a mother fucker. and i was walking around with it exposed to the air so i probably have AIDs and swine flu now haha.

oh yea, our school has an outbreak of swine flu. aiya. so now, i can't go to see miles after my ap exams. i am very mad because of that. i now have one more ap exam to go, which is ap bio but i'm not that worried about it .. but i still should study my ass off for that. the DBQ for apush was the freed blacks and enslaved blacks during 1775 - 1830 and i messed up a bit with marcus garvey hehe and the underground railroad. uh oh. but yea. other then that, my day was okay. i had a little adventure to myself for the afternoon. around fiveish, i tried to go to pali to see the league prelims but that failed and then i went on an hour and thirty minute dog walk with suni. it was pretty fun and suni's all pooped out now.

tomorrow i'm going to the beach with sandy to study, of which i'm eggcited for. and hopefully, i'll get rid of my stupid dang tan. i hope i got a dang 4 on that exam! i don't know what to write, i'm still having brain farts.

cutie freshies and sophmores :(

32

i am on a mission to lose weight sort of. haha. excercise more then you eat.
i've bee studying for ap exams, and i am going to go to sleep early today because i have to study for insanity tmrw and on friday. shit. um, but yea imma try to define some more things and then i'm going to sleep at 12 and in order to that, i am going to get off and be productive ...

s.rhee

this is a shout out to sandy rhee because i couldn't go to her birthday dinner. unfortunately. so here i am sitting here on my toilet finishing going poo and about to go take a shower and typing her a shoutout. SO ANYWAYS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SANDY RHEE, AND I KNOW I SAID THIS TO YOU ONLINE ON AIM AND ON THE VIDEO ON FACEBOOK BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN TILL 12 AM! i enjoy being your friend and i hope we stay friends foeva! twisted buddies hahah.
---

today was a semi-productive day; i went to the afterschool review session and then i went to b&n till nine to study for my aps. well, most of the time i was researching colleges that had pre-vet professional programs and there are so many! but yea, i studied some of ap bio and apush, but most of apush i was organizing the flashcards and it turns out that there are so many important people in the US History ever. its like the biggest card stack in the stupid pile out of almost 3oo or more ... i can NOT wait until next monday. oh yea, i gotta sign up for the SATs for June 6 and i need to get that field trip slip signed and get it turned in tmrw. i ran today too, but i ate so much shit ... i had the oreo slushie thingy from cafe aroma, then three oatmeal raisin cookies, then some chips, then i went to b&n and ordered a hot chocolate and some bagel with some cream cheese, so obviously someone isn't going to be eating dinner tonight. ugh. unless if its tofu and soysauce with fish flakes and green onions mmmm. OH YEA, i learned how to make bomb pico de gallo from natasha's mom, she didnt teach me but i kinda made it for her while she told me how to make it but its two bundles of cilantro chopped finely, four tomatos chopped into squares, one onion chopped, one green chili, and some lemon and some salt and peppa and voila! good bombass pico de gallo, in time for cinco de mayoooo. anyways, gotta finish mah pooing and gotta take a shower. i shall type later and study more.



favorite songs at the moment;
8282 - davichi
imaginary folklore - nujabes

hurry hurry

that song is addicting for me somehow and all i'm doing is replaying it over and over again. curse you naomi for letting me listen to it. theres 16 of them on one playlist on myspace and i'm replaying the playlist over and over again. lol.

i'm studying today so i'mma get off and study my ass off for apush and do my hw for apbio :(

35

yum, lol. hopefully he doesnt read this and find his picture on mah blogger knowing that sandy sent the picture to me lmao. anyways, today was an okay day, had a good study session. the track meet today was soso and i did an okay 800 m time. hehe. but i gotta go to sleep for the stupid SAT IIs tmrw. byeee gnite.

yum.

despair

i really like the song use somebody by kings of leon and revelry, and be somebody. i love his voice and i like how their melody rings. 

i'm in a down mood right now cause i'm feeling for somebody and i care for her. i wanna be there for her, but she's just the type that doesn't anybody to help her and she's so caring for everyone else. in some ways she reminds me of me where she pretends to be happy when in reality she's sad and hurt. like there was this one time, where we were at church and she was having some troubles, and she just wouldn't cry until after a long time she just broke down. she's those type of girls where she would find a corner to cry in and come out from the corner looking all happy. being the type of person i am, i just wanna listen to their troubles and comfort them and help them. (but i can be a total bitch if i wanted to)

like right now, she sounds so sad and hurt. the one fucking loser just had to make her fucking paranoid of shit. i hate that fucking piece of shit. anyways i'll type later when i go home and after i study and stuff. i have a meet tmrw too against westchester at home. but i have to go study for the stupid SAT II subject tests.

imma fucking punch the AP loser in the face one day and make him deserve what he needs.

37

i was thinking about it, after Miles was born, how maybe, i dont want to go away from home. mabye i can go away from home after undergraduate college years, but for now, i wanna grow up with miles, malia, maddy, braden, rachelle, and jonas. i guess i can tolerate going to my dang family church, or find some other one until i graduate from college and go to graduate school. like i wanna grow up with my baby cousins and see them get into trouble and take them to ice cream and go to theme parks or just the park. i dont wanna go away now. i want them to remember me from since they were like three. i dont wanna burst into their life when they're like 8 and me fresh coming from college. like i remember my cousins/aunts since i was a baby and i want it to be like that for the little ones. and i donno if ms. j will be having another kid while i'm in college and i wanna be here for "it" too.

if i get into UPENN i'll go there, but if i get into UC Davis, i'll study there with a pre-vet major and a business minor. damn, and hoepfully UC Davis will have that ICU thing across to Japan. hehe. o my god, 37 more school days till i am done with my junior year and off to senior and to college applications and then to partying, and chillin and jobs, and boxing. 37 more days. just 37 more days.

damn, listening to revelry by kings of leon makes me just think about future shtuff. but i gotta sleep cause it's 12:07 and i just wanna rant about my future and what i'm gonna do.

MILES JACKSON <3

this is miles jackson born on april 27th at 8:00 A.M. weighing 5.14 lbs and tall as 20 inches. he is a bit of a pre-me since he was supposed to be born on may 28thish and he came early. i am in love with him already, and i can't wait until he grows up and i can take him everywhere. it makes me wanna stay here in california and not go away far. there's maddy, malia, braden, and now miles to take care of when i'm older. i so can't wait! i need to get my license so i can drive them around.

tomorrow's my interview for Cedar's Sinai and i have to dress "appropriately". i think i have to go poo again and i must study for the stupid SATs this saturday and the ap exams next week. shite. must go. bye.

fastriver.

shallow

i am a shallow piece of fucking meat. okay so you know how there's someone new? well there isn't all because i am a shallow piece of shit. sucks for me. damn, why do i have to be so picky?!?! i always have bad luck with guys. fuck. i hate these stupid complication and i hope i never get into this situation ever again! god damnit. like i double thought about it today and i was thinkign about it after i saw him, i was like ... i don't think i like him. cause i didn't get those butterfly feelings and shit. wow. i am so stupid. no offense, but for me look matters. i know. so fucking shallow but i can't help ittt. i will go sit in the corner now and punish myself for being so shallow. i mean he has a great personality and all. fuck. i got myself into an egg splattered mess!!!


now i am going to go do my stupid hw and fume about it some more and try to clean this egg shit up.

my friggin cousin is about

my friggin cousin is about to be born!!!

40

hey thur. i am sitting here and it is 11:58 PM and i am wondering what should i do. i think i should go to sleep soon. considerin tomorrow is a school day. i wasnt even sure if i had any AP Bio hw .. i think i did, but i dont think imma be doing it now, since its already monday. hah.

today, i went to venice beach with leonard, laura, hideo, and me. me and laura separated from hideo and leonard and went walking around the boardwalk. i love venice beach. over the summer, imma try to go there all the time. while we were there, we went to the drum circle which is this group of people that make rhythms and anyone can join into the rhythm. it was intense. i loved the vibe that it sent out. laura was making some beats herself with the tambourine that one of the drummers allowed her to borrow. so intense. i love it. i am so grateful living in west la, being able to breathe in that fresh ocean breeze. i'm not sure if other kids can feel it, but i can tell the difference of the different parts of la. like they all give off this vibe. if i were to come home from ktwn with my eyes closed, i would be able to tell when we're in west la. i really love my home and environment and i'm so glad that i grew up here.

this stupid thing isn't letting me type correctly so i am going to stop and write about it some other time.

p.s. i think my artist's block is about to end, cause i have a feeling that i am going to start on gabi's, lorrain's and maureen's shoes again thank god. i've been lagging for two years now.

oh man

i haven't updated from the computer in a while, i've been neglecting my poor blogger. but yeah, lots of new things to say, such as i am not going to smoke in a very very very long time cause i had a bad trip. like i threw up and shit and felt woosy the whole night and i slept really early and couldnt get up the next day as well. but yea. that was my 420. but when i look at my video that me and natasha recorded, we look retarded as hell.

what else? um i think im over my sickness hehe. thank god. and i think i've moved on and have something in mind. heheheheehhee. but yeah, i'm getting distracted. today i had a track meet and went to church. i havent gone in a whileee. the track meet was against venice and i only ran the 2 mile. but i felt good at the end. i am super slow though. i got 17:48. i wanted to run the mile but i wasnt feeling too good.

today, i was also a little bit emotional? i think it was the song that was playing on my ipod. that was weird. and i got in trouble by my aunt for not going to the lunch ap review sessions. i think that sorta tipped the stress bowl to spill. good thing i know how to control my emotions, otherwise i would've been bawling after lunch. phew.

oh yea, i turned in my Cedars Sinai application today, and i really hope that i will be able to get hired. meaning imma have to find a summer job only. damn i hate looking for jobs and hearing that they aint hiring. pmo. anyways, imma go and find something else to do. kay. bye.

hi

bye.
:)

420

am sitting here with natashaaa, and we are talking to each other with the IQ of TWO. hehahehahahe. um, i did my homework, and im singing as i type to this piece of shit. maureen cant smoke with and butburn couldnt smoke us, so i am sitting here with natasah who is drooling she was very much droolinhgm i just saw her wipe her mouth, now she is hitting m

420

celebrating :)

nighttime

Wanted to post but got kicked off computer

nostalgic

my brother hasn't sat in the front seat of my dad's car for a long time and they're actually having a peaceful conversation with laughs.

eggcited

i am uber excited for senior year which is summer vacation and 58 days away! all i can think about are college apps, SATs, senior shit, senior pics!!, omg, partying, taking it easy, jennie emo's babyy, driver's license, so many other shit. senior bbq, senior environmental trip, senior picnic, homecoming, PROM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, graduation. wow, im friggin eggcited!! lol. had to get it out of mah system. okay bye. heh.

58

we have fifty-eight days till school is over. wow, before in september, it was like friggin a two hundred days or something and now its barely 58, including weekends! holy moly. also, i have like two b's and 5 a's or somethng like that. and mr furlong called me in today and told me that i was chosen to become the eleventh grade representative for the graduation at FHS yey!

today was the track meet against uni at SMC, and it was horrible. and that's all im saying about it.

bye.

irony

funny! cause i really wanted to get better but now it IS better LOL. but yea, noones gonna be at school tomorrow since everyone's gone away at ap calc camp or at the beach with the marine bio class field trip. not fair. but i'll be at the track meet at SMC hehe. hopefully my ribs wont affect me tomorrow !!! but i gotta go and munch out bye.

I'm trying to clean my

I'm trying to clean my mind from you but i think its ruining our friendship but i donno how to respond to you. I really hope that i can recover.

naomichoe

here i am at naomi's house while she is talking on her phone with tillman, annnnd it is very funny listening to her talk to him since all she does is go "uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, ooooh, uh huh" lol! but yea, thats her relationship with tillman in a nutshell. JK. anywayss, today i didnt run either since the cookie doughs came and we had to collect them and i had to carry a box and a paper bag full of three boxes of cookie dough. and since i ordered cookies from it, i came to naomi's house and made like twenty-four. but they came out really dry and shitty. not so cool. but naomi made some betty crockers and they're mm mm deliciousss.

i think i have a problem at the moment cause i cant look at ___ straight or talk to ___ properly like i used toooo. what a bummer. i mean, i try, but i feel guilty or like ___ has a gf you know so its like, uhhhh, the way you converse with me is practically flirting with meee. but thats just the way __ is. and i feel like i am ignoring ___ and i cant help it cause i feel so bad like emotionally bad. but oh welllll. i hope i can fix this problem and eventually talk to him like i used to, but for now i think imma have to stay away from ___ for a little bit.

anyways, i must go and listen to naomi talk to her boyfriend and imma just sit and wait and do nothing lmao. cause i dont wanna go home and rot on the computer. and now, nathan is copying me typing on the computer. hes so funny and naomi is only serious with him and some other kids as well.

truth hurts

damn, when i saw that horrible notification yesterday, it was like a boom to my mind. um, but yea now i know the truth and i feel relieved and super sad now that i really know whats going through his mind. imma try to get over it, and i feel like its already getting there now that i know that i have noooooo hope whatever. but i truly duly wish him happiness. i really wanna get off this subject now.

today was an okay day back to school. jean, julie and sandy are all sick. funny thing is, last time we all hung out, sandy got sick aha from our quadruple thing. haha. another thing im grateful for is my friends; naomi, natasha, gabi, lorrain, maureen, and many more for being there for me. and especially naomi, since i can connect with her since we both didnt go to fairfax high school or JBMS. and how everyone is already close with each other from middle school, but its like everyone already has their own LENMG. but yea, im not saying i hate them, cause i love all my friends at fairfax but do you get me??

i am also on my doirep so i am feeling very emotional and im listening to this song Destinee put on her myspace by John Legend - Everybody Knows. i really really really like it, and i'm playing it over and over again. shite. i think i am going to be sensitive for a couple days, and imma try not to. but i donno how to react to him .. do i just act normal? i think i should given the fact that he didnt even knowww. haha. but yea.

i didnt run today, cause i left the clothes in ms. j's room and i didnt wanna go all the way to the third floor and get it and get locked out of the locker room. i was trippin out cause at first period, ms. ikki was closing the lockerroom after everyone left. and i was thinking about it, i wanna try out for softball, and stuff. well, first i gotta try out boxing.

i also turned in my baskin robbin application, and applied to coffee bean online. i also got an application to Starbucks. i really need a job. and imma go to LA Trade Tech and apply for Summer school there for auto mechanics hehe.

ANYWAYS, lemme mope around and feel better by tomorrow. thanks for reading this, and for the haters (if there are any) you can keep hating but what's it gonna do to me? hah. karma's a bitch.

oyasumi.