flabbergasting

once again, i have read through my entire blogspot and each time i find something new and different. i do start a lot of my sentences with "i" but i dont think i mind as much now ... that personal dislike seems to reveal an inner turmoil...

i like how these past entries reveal who i used to be in the past and how much i've changed ... few things highlighted to me about my past are the constant daily internal struggles and the feelings i had towards my mother. wow, i used to harbor such bitter feelings towards her... i'm glad i don't react in such a way anymore.

it seems ever since Jesus enticed me into an intimate relationship with Him, He's been gradually (and in His Perfect timing) healing my wounds and untangling the deceptions that lead me to react negatively towards my mother.

i hope one day to be free from self-condemnation and overly self-conscious thoughts about my own expressions. Abba, I want to be free in expressing myself in words...

i still struggle with desires, i still struggle with being in the moment and the present. i am currently in the progress of seeking my identity in Christ, who I am as God created me to be...

it's strange, how i find my past entries to carry so much flavor .. in contrast to how i write now - so bland and boring!! gah ... maybe me writing like this is a conformation to society, i've somewhat digressed from creative writing? or idk? so much to explore in writing and expressing .. hehe... well, i am only 22 and barely getting the hang of diving into depths of perceptions and conceptions. I LIKE SIMPLE.

simple is key! even Jesus is simple. simplicity is quite freeing
versus ... complexions that often confuse.
and even now, i still have a hard time understanding the difference or spectrum of simplicity and complexity in life - simplexity hahaha.

i want to make it a natural habit to step back and look at the bigger picture, because i often get caught oop in the details, my face so close to the screen, my eyes getting strained from looking at something so close...

there's a lot of things i want to change about myself ... and idk if that's how God wants me to change ... or why am i so dissatisfied with myself? or maybe these are convictions from God that i am taking too personally. i realized i have a tendency to personalize convictions and turn them into condemnations, or maybe its not me but Satan.

one thing that really surprised me from my past entries are the things i knew about God and Jesus and the things i felt for Him. i knew His Love yet it wasn't enough to captivate me to turn from my life and follow after Jesus... so interesting, it kind of shows how God is Sovereign and He's the one in control. i am powerless. my will is powerless compared to His. in fact, my will is resistant towards His. i want to do things in a certain way and when i am picky about having it done my way and it doesn't go my way, i find myself becoming quite upset and throw a tantrum - like a baby.

i am but a babe in God's eyes.
i am but a vapor in life.

i am quite sleepy hahaha. i think i might be getting sick and i hope i don't get sick because getting sick is not the bizznesss. it is week 9 of Fall Quarter 2014 ... FINALS are fast approaching. my final oral exam for Japanese Adv Speaking is on Friday at 11:10AM. EEK. Papa, please help me not get overwhelmed and take things one by one.

today was an interesting day. i quit my babysitting job yesterday and i lightly thought about my intentions for picking up the job and i don't think my heart was in the right place, because i think i did it for the money. but today, my neighbor asks me to take care of her baby dawg ... i found that so interesting ... God is funny. btw, i have another job of working on campus.

i have a minute and thirty seconds before i need to get off my computer ... so ill just ramble about my life


Suni is now 8 years old turning 9. Hideo is 27 and living in Louisiannaaa. I am in my fifth year at UCLA, going to graduate next quarter. WOW time flies so quickly. In some of my posts, Hideo was my age. SO AMAZING. I'm glad i didnt delete this blog. hahaha.

i have a lot of desires in my ear but now i have 18 seconds so idk what to write.

but
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GOODBYEEE